We rented out our home for a year... for a sabbatical year? a gap year? a year "off"? a step away? I don't really know how to define it in just a couple words.
Why?
I'm going to answer this question for me, and then Astha might be able to answer when she has time. About 16 years ago, I set out for India... to understand my roots, to discover my passion and purpose, and to just let my inner voice be my guide. Here's my blog from that journey... if you want to read about what 24-year old Raj was thinking. It was an incredible journey for me, and really shifted my perspectives on so many things and helped shape my worldview, and really influenced how my mind works. It also got the ball rolling on really the last 15 years of my life.
Why?
I'm going to answer this question for me, and then Astha might be able to answer when she has time. About 16 years ago, I set out for India... to understand my roots, to discover my passion and purpose, and to just let my inner voice be my guide. Here's my blog from that journey... if you want to read about what 24-year old Raj was thinking. It was an incredible journey for me, and really shifted my perspectives on so many things and helped shape my worldview, and really influenced how my mind works. It also got the ball rolling on really the last 15 years of my life.
So, why take a "break" again... right now... when my life is "rolling" - I have a family. I was working at the same school for 10 of the past 12 years. We're immersed in the community. We have a garden growing food. Amaani is in a forest school. I'm involved in education, service, justice work... meditating. So, why am I looking for another "journey"?
I want to make sure I'm continuing to focus on my own self-development, because if I'm focused on that and my mind becomes clearer, sharper and directed, my heart becomes more sensitive and empathetic, my body becomes a healthy tool... then I can live in the feeling of "flow"... I can work alongside others more effectively... I can work towards freedom, justice, and love more wholeheartedly... I can create and envision more clearly.
This was the year we were supposed to "step away"... to camp, to be in India, and spend time recognizing and fulfilling our relationship with Mother Earth and living in community. This was the year to de-clutter, de-condition, de-colonize, and de-school our minds... to allow our true inner beings to shine. My next step in Oakland, eventually, involves my desire to open a Self-Directed Learning Center (https://www.self-directed.org/) in Oakland (more on that later)... but part of the process for that is to really become aware of my schoolish ways of being... of working towards freedom (Swatantrata) myself.
This was the year we were supposed to "step away"... to camp, to be in India, and spend time recognizing and fulfilling our relationship with Mother Earth and living in community. This was the year to de-clutter, de-condition, de-colonize, and de-school our minds... to allow our true inner beings to shine. My next step in Oakland, eventually, involves my desire to open a Self-Directed Learning Center (https://www.self-directed.org/) in Oakland (more on that later)... but part of the process for that is to really become aware of my schoolish ways of being... of working towards freedom (Swatantrata) myself.
Our plans are changing by the moment now... with Covid, with the California fires, and with just everything that is in front of us. And that's part of the learning... we actually have the option to go with "the flow"... and see where we end up. I feel like going with the flow isn't passive... but rather requires even MORE initiative and action, in actuality it's more RAPID decision-making. Usually, we make decisions - i.e. I'm going to take this position at this company - and then we have a schedule, a routine, etc... and many times, we're on auto-pilot... But right now, we're making decisions each week, each day... sometimes each hour... on what our next step is. And, to me, that's part of the process of this year... similarly to how it was part of my process 15 years ago. However, the difference now... is the communication piece. We need to TALK THROUGH our decisions... as a family... all 3 of us... which is hard for me. That constant communication piece is a challenge for me, and definitely an area I'm looking to grow in this year. I'll list out some more personal intentions in a later post.
As for now... signing out.
Partner in growth,
RAJ
It's my turn to write out the why a "step away?"
Why?
Raj and I have been talking about this time away since we got together. We were first going to take it after residency. Take some time before starting work but my mom had been diagnosed with Ovarian cancer and we thought we would be "practical" and pay off my medical school loans. Then after 3 1/2 years at La Clinica, I was going to step back and reflect on my role in medicine and think outside the box. But then, I got excited about an opportunity to the the HIV/primary care provider at Tri-City and that didn't happen. Even now, we were going back and forth in should we do it or not. The pandemic happened and we wondered is it the time to take off? We had kind of a perfect set up in Oakland. We were rooted in community, Amaani's forest school was still in place, and Raj could segway into self-directed learning.
On my end, I have never had extended unstructured time. I have always been a "goal-directed" person. I went from college, to medical school to residency to working. Once I started working, I was part-time for the most part and got to balance my passions in medicine with living life as well. I've heard Raj's journey and heard about others and it always seemed appealing. I probably have romanticized it in ways as well but there has been a curiosity into what it would be like and a desire to take time for myself/ourselves away from the "system." With that though, in the back of my mind I worried. It's taken me a long time to get here but I finally feel at ease in my role as a physician, role as a mother/wife and a human being. There are always ups and downs and my struggle with myself, my anxiety and "being enough" will be a life long struggle. With the help of meds and other life coping skills, I'm more at ease with myself and that is HUGE for me. Losing my mom is probably one of the hardest things I've had to do and her loss stays with me everyday. Yet there was forward momentum. We had built community and can say the tag line to this blog has held true. We're trying our best to raise a conscious human being and I'm filled with gratitude everyday.
The big question for me for this time is: Is there a way to live harmoniously without feeling contradictions all the time? While I love what I/we do, there's always unease. Not enough time, guilt at ordering from Amazon, all the consumption, the garbage, etc. A desire to live harmoniously with myself, with mother Earth, with each other and in community. I'm the type of person that thrives off of other people's stories and learns so much from them. I want this time to slow down, to observe, to listen and explore. Raj has mentioned that we've always worked within broken systems but is there a way to uproot the system totally? Those are the bigger picture questions for me. I am so thankful to Raj and to this day I love the way he makes me think and question. I love learning and doing different things and will never have the clear visions he does but am grateful that I have him to bounce off ideas with. I agree with him in a desire to un-school myself and have Amaani not chain herself to schoolish ways.
All the plans we had are being shifted as the world around us shifts. It's definitely a daily lesson in not freaking out, re-making plans, being in the present. Another background goal is to break the chains of equating doing = value/worth. We are learning together and watching Amaani in all of this makes me smile everyday. Communication among us 3 is key for me and grateful that we're doing this. I think that's all I got for now.
Love,
Astha
