Gratitude

As mentioned before, we are in Sequim, Washington. I guess we didn't post about our adventures here yet. While I won't go into full detail, our friend Ankur brought us here. Raj first met him in India and then I met him as a part of Inspire. I still remember him walking and showing us around with his cloth bag on his side and his love for mangos. We didn't end up keeping in touch regularly but were connected in spirit. We reached out to him after having many different changes to our plan and had a lovely phone conversation. He described what his family and him were doing up here...the intentional community, nature and farming and we were called to come! We've been here almost two weeks now and what a journey! Ankur is married to amazing Miriam who is an amazing French teacher, anti-racist educator/facilitator (see her work here), cook, mom, wife, musician and the list could go on. They have a beautiful daughter Jasmine who give me my daily hug that fills me with warmth everyday :) They have a view of the mountains in front of their house, the ocean is nearby and an endless amount of nature. Ankur bakes 4 loaves of bread everyday and sets intentions to give them to his friends from wheat that is grown and milled here! It feels like someone they know or the other grows what is needed and there is a barter system that is really nice to watch. Lots of details but we are slowly setting our intentions here. We will be moving into his mom's old house that she is putting up to sale. We've reached out to Ankur & Miriam's friends that have their own farms and are coming up with schedules to build in work. I would love to learn wood working while here and am trying to make connections with that. Amaani is slowly making friends and each day is full of nature, purpose and connection. Pictures can be found here. 

With that, I'll segway into what I actually wanted to write about. Yesterday, we visited Balyn and Ellie's farm - Joy Farm. Balyn shared his story. He's a Bay area transplant and has been up here for about 4 years now. His farm is unique is that most of the labor comes from their two horses, Bruce and Bud. He showed Amaani and I the farm and I was filled with an immense sense of wonder and gratitude of how we get our food and the amazing people that grow it that so often aren't acknowledged. I was introduced to thinking about where our food came from during InSPIRE. My whole world changed after that. Thinking about how it's grown - with or without the chemicals, how it's transported, how it reaches our stores, the environmental impact...the moving pieces in my head went on and on. Since then, I/we have had our own journey with food. Slowly growing it, focusing on organic, local and knowing where it comes from. Changing my cooking from what I want to eat to what's in season. 

The thing that I wanted to focus on though is the sense of gratitude that was felt. It feels like each person here has their connection to the land. Some are raising cows and creating milk. Some have lots of vegetables. Some have fruit trees and nut trees. But each of these things is the start of our meals. Balyn shared a cob of popcorn that he was growing. I learned that it's a different variety of corn and learned a little of the process of drying it out and then taking out the kernels to pop. How often have I taken off a plastic wrapper and popped in a bag of microwaveable popcorn? I want to send out an immense wave of gratitude to all those people out there that are part of the system of creating food. To Mother Earth and her abundance. To all the indigenous populations in the world that started it and were in harmony with the land. To all those of African and Black descent that were forced into labor that tilled and worked this land. To the farmers, to the workers, to the laborers all over the world that aren't valued to the same level as a engineer, doctor or whatever title deemed important. Without food, there is no life. 

When Amaani was younger, we had a good habit of stopping at every meal and saying what we were thankful for. I still do it in my mind at times but was thinking should bring it back. Also, just general gratitude of having the opportunity to be here. To decondition our minds. To connect with others and learn from a different way of life. Gratitude to Ankur and Miriam for hosting us and for sharing all their friends! Gratitude to Raj and Amaani for being on this adventure with me :) And thank you to all of you that are taking the time to read this :) I love you all :)

Driving up the Pacific Northwest Coast & Camping

This post will focus on our journey up the Pacific Northwest Coast. We finally got out of Fremont on September 26th. We packed for various possible scenarios and ranging climates. All the potential things we would need for the next few months fit in our Honda Odyssey. The idea was to drive along the Pacific Northwest Coast. We hoped to camp along the way as long as fires/smoke permitted and then eventually get to Sequim, Washington to Ankur Bhai's place. 

The first destination that we were hoping to reach is Elk Prarie Campground. Raj had called and it seemed reservations were full but we were hoping to get in. We didn't get in but camped at a closeby private camground, Kamp Klamath, instead. It was about a 6/7 hour car trip but time went by really quickly in between Harry Potter readings, naps and fun pitstops. 

The first full day there, we took our time to settle in and lazily explore. The campground had a park in it and access to the Klamath River. We walked through the path and came across so many tree frogs. I played tether ball for the first time in my life. Then we biked down to the ocean and spent hours watching people try to catch salmon and the harbor seals/sea lions dip their heads in and out of the water. 

The second day was a bit comical. We wanted to try to get into Elk Prarie campground. It was part of the state parks and felt like it was more in the woods fully. However, there's no reception in these areas. We had to let Kamp Klamath know if we were staying another night or not but needed to physically go to Elk Prairie to see if there was an opening. So we went and it seemed like they would be able to get us in but not until 2pm. So then, we went back to Kamp Klamath and packed up. Then we headed back to the new campground to set up shop. This also happened to be a day that Amaani seemed to have hurt her knee. She was more cranky than usual and refused to walk. Let's just saw we were all a bit cranky this day. 

We woke up the next morning with a fresh start. Amaani hand washed her clothes for the first time. The air smelled a little smoky and we were hearing rumblings of fire nearby but were hoping for the best. We headed out to Fern Canyon and I must say, I highly recommend it! Absolutely gorgeous. There's a little creek that runs through with both sides of the canyons covered in five finger ferns. The lushness, greenness and abundance were breath taking. I tested out my new rain boots. Amaani and I felt like super sheroes walking through the water. I think Raj mentioned the Roosevelt elk show we saw. It was like National Geographic live. Full pictures here. 

Unfortunately though, the haze was continuing to get worse. We were debating to stay or not to stay. We had just paid for another night and had been looking forward to it but decided to err on the side of safety. We packed up the wet clothes, undid the tent and headed north towards Crescent City. We stayed there two nights and did town things. Re-did laundry, grocery, ran some errands, etc. Got some pool time and tide pool explorations. The struggle with going back to civilization is always diving back into the world of over-stimulation, over-eating and distraction. Amaani goes into wanting to use the phone as do we. I go back and forth on this and in the end it's part of the journey for now. Pictures here. 

The next chunk was 7 days of camping in a row! We stopped at Beverly Beach State Park in Oregon. This was definitely our longest time camping. No showers either! It was really nice to be in one spot and get to know the place. We had a rhythm, a flow. Raj and I would meditate in the morning and then I usually went for a run and Raj did yoga, pranayam, etc. Then the morning fire, family meeting, setting intentions for the day. Sometimes splitting up. Some days would be staying at the camp site all day and others would be taking day trips. We did a cool waterfall hike. Fun times at the beach. We got to know the towns of Depoe Bay and Newport a bit and checked out the aquarium in Newport. Only ate out once and had a ranch spill in the newly bought car :) Stain wasn't too bad. Did a bunch of rock collecting. I loved family art time at the campsites as well. I made Indian food for the first time during camping. Raj and I would laugh that the Oregon coast just has an endless amount of spectacular views. Full pictures here. 

Finally, a quick stop in Astoria, Washington for laundry etc. Some yummy Thai food. Watched Harry Potter 6 because yes, we finished. Now on Harry Potter 7, the last one! Pictures. 

It was a great transition into getting to Sequim. A LOT of family time. So many little joys and waves of uncertainty as well. I managed to wash my hair by pouring warmed water over my head. Feeling grateful for the opportunity. 

Natural Learning #1

Prairie Creek Redwoods State Park

The three of us are spending pretty much every minute together... so of course there are recurring arguments and spats, so we’ve tried to implement a daily morning family meeting. I think we’ve had three so far. 

And it’s just interesting to see how Amaani responds to it. We’ve done “family meetings” in the past.... but it’s usually when we (the parents) want to discuss something with her (the child)... sleep time, eating habits, language/tone she’s using, etc.  And she knows it... so her initial response was like “boring”. A couple of things may have changed (and I’m sure things will continue to change because that is the only constant)... but for now, she seems to buy into it more. What changed? 1) She personalized it by depersonalizing it. Amaani struggles (like me) with talking about her feelings and accepting responsibility. However, when she speaks to or through her LOL’s (these little dolls) she’s able to talk about her feelings and opinions more. So, she suggested that the LOL’s are part of the meeting and have one of them actually facilitate the meeting. We started that yesterday and it was fun... and a good time for sharing and we were able to discuss situations that we were having disagreements about. 

When I asked her if humans can take turns facilitating the meeting, too, she said (via an Valley B.B., an LOL), “No, humans have problems... when we get mad, we just say sorry and forget.” (I’m paraphrasing.) I asked if that’s what we humans should do, too... and she just responded with a “No.” (I think she KNOWS it’s easier said than done!)

2) The meetings are regular... so now they are not only when we need to discuss a concern or something. I believe that changes the dynamic. 

3) She’s starting to realize that she can bring her concerns to the meeting... for example, how many time Astha reads Harry Potter to her per day and for how long. Amaani LOVES listening to Harry Potter and Astha enjoys reading it to her, but she can’t read it allll the time and on demand whenever Amaani wants. Initially, we laid the ground rules - twice per day, once during rest time in the afternoon and once before bed. That didn’t go over with Amaani... so we discussed it at the family meeting... Amaani wanted to call an emergency meeting about it the night before but we said she’d have to wait until morning.

With Yin B.B. as the facilitator, we came to a fair compromise regarding Harry Potter. Now... remembering that change is the only constant, we will see how long it lasts.

My thoughts... 1) These meetings help our communication because there is a set time for it and it’s set aside every day.  2) Is it too schoolish? We take turns sharing about our favorite moments from the day before, etc. It’s not “natural” conversation in some ways... maybe if we name it something other than “family meeting”. I dunno...  

As I've mentioned... this is Amaani's kinder year, but we've chosen to allow her to continue to naturally learn. 

What is she learning? The minute I try to pinpoint the skills she’s learning and “measure” her learning... I’m making it “schoolish”... but for the sake of our “schoolish” minds... 

Through family meetings, she’s learning conflict resolution, she’s learning to identify emotions, she’s learning to problem solve, she’s learning verbal communication...

Through listening to Harry Potter (she’s on Book 6), she’s learning to love books, she’s learning so much vocabulary, she’s learning story arc and many other features of literature, she’s learning reading comprehension...

Through camping and being outdoors and this journey, she’s learning about overcoming challenges, she’s learning how to respond to change, she’s learning about the natural world (for example, she observed Roosevelt Elk for about 30-45 minutes... we saw the males defend their harem through screaming and charging, we saw them eating, we saw them having sex... yes, really, we saw a momma nurse her child in the middle of the street...), she’s learning how to do dishes and wash clothes by hand....

I could go on and on... and once again... I want to identify our privilege in being able to go on a journey like this and provide these types of experiences. However, I will argue that more of us could do these types of things... if our own minds were flexible enough, if we overcame some of the fears we have... There are soooo many rich life experiences that we provide our children all the time and could do more of... 

Till next time. 

(Our Family Meeting today was... interesting. Amaani was excited about it, and..... it became imaginative LOL play time, not really the "family meeting" we parents had in mind! I may have added to the madness... it was fun... but not “productive”. We still talked about everything we needed to talk about in the morning... but maybe not at family meeting...There was a slight urge in me to tell Amaani she needs to listen during family meeting and play afterwards and all that schoolish stuff... but then I caught myself.)

Time in Fremont, 2 day Meditation Retreat, Capitola

Fremont, CA

It's been almost a month of us coming back to Fremont from Chicago. Time continues to pass quickly. We came back to bad air and a lot of California burning. Raj wrote about all the changing plans but I want to focus on what we've been up to the past few weeks. 

We've been staying with Raj's parents. We wore masks the first few days and then Raj got tested for COVID. When we had gotten back, between the air quality, fires burning and politics, a negative test and not needing to wear a mask in the house was a small win. We got to meet up with some friends. Amaani made friends with two girls across the street, Sachi and Suri and that's been a true joy to watch. This whole year we wanted the intention to be in community and around other kids. As quarantining continues, the socialization aspect and her being around other kids has been hard. So her naturally forming these friendships was beautiful. 

Everyday, they came over in the afternoon and just played. They made slime almost every single day. They did art, they made up a game of Peep, LOL land, and water play. They played together and they played independently. Sachi loves reading and any book she saw, she sat and read. I definitely think it motivated Amaani to start trying her hand at reading as well. It was one of my favorite parts of Fremont watching them learn and play together. 

Raj and I had been wanting to get in a meditation retreat and couldn't get into the Vipassana centers. He found this place and it was perfect. (If you're looking for a Staycation.. check out this place. And Moina, the owner, is awesome.. and she has another larger guesthouse, too. We left Amaani with the parents and set up a 2 day meditation retreat that followed the Vipassana schedule. I had been out of the practice and these retreats are always a good reminder in how to sit again. We stayed silent with each other and meditated away. Being on a farm felt like we were away. Lots of walks around the area. Taking the time to silent the mind is always good. No huge revelations for us but it was a good reset. Then we stayed two more nights and Amaani joined us. She loved the animals. We met a cat on one of our hikes that seems to be a famous cat. All the hikers know the cat. 

We then planned a mini getaway to Capitola with the parents and Ami and the kiddos. They haven't been out of the house since all this started. We rented a hotel and just had some nice family time. We went to the Forest of Nisene State Parks twice and we all loved it. The redwoods were majestic. Someone had set up a swing over the creek and we all took a turn. One of our themes this year is ongoing connection to Mother Earth and watching kids naturally light up in the forest is incredible. Our nephews are 9 and 7 and Amaani is 5. They ran around and made up their own games. Created a fortress with all the different tree stumps. We tested out our bike stand for the car and had all our bikes there. Bike rides, beach and of course lots of food. 

We are headed out tomorrow. Our plan is to eventually get to Sequim, Washington but we are going to camp along the way. We've packed for so many different situations because we just don't know what we'll end up doing. Definitely some doubt in the purpose of the trip but rolling with it. I think my intentions is to continue to working on mindfulness, reading, exercising and connections to others. I would like to possibly get some get out the vote postcards. I liked Raj's recap in taking this time to be able to work on ourselves to continue to serve and love the community and in our ongoing work. 

Some pictures here and here. 

If you guys have any suggestions on things to watch or read to be inspired, please do share. 

A Lesson in Flexibility

When we first envisioned this "year", we thought we'd be heading out to India right about now.... things haven't quite gone as planned. 

> We planned to do a Point Reyes backpacking trip in April for our 10-year wedding anniversary, but coronavirus hit and shut everything down. 

> We decided to continue with our plans for a "year off" even with all the coronavirus madness, hoping that we could get to India by October. 

> India has been really bad coronavirus-wise, so we thought, maybe Oaxaca? Well... Amaani's passport is expired and it's taking MONTHS for passport renewal because of Covid-related shutdowns. We'll probably have her passport around December or January.

> We planned to go to Chicago for about a month and spend time with family... we did that!

> We planned to come back to California and finally do our Point Reyes backpacking trip, and then go to Big Basin with my family. A fire broke out in BOTH Point Reyes and Big Basin.

> We planned to camp around California for a month... fires exploded all over the state. I didn't have to cancel any reservations, though, because they all got cancelled automatically as fire and/or smoke engulfed the different locations.

> We planned (and are still planning) to go to Washington state and stay with a friend in the small town of Sequim...and camp on our way up there. Fires then hit Oregon and Washington at a never-seen-before scale. 

Through this all... I think we've done a pretty good job of just rolling with it and exploring what the next opportunity may be, and what opportunity is placed in front of us instead. We got to spend extended time in Chicago with Astha's family... her dad, our nephew, Bodhi, Arpit, and Sam... and do great trips in the Midwest. We now are getting an opportunity to spend time with my parents. Amidst the pandemic and quarantine, this probably means a lot to them to break the monotony... and Amaani has had this chance to spend time with her grandparents, her cousin Bodhi, Mama, Mami, Bua, and her cousins Ishi and Saavi. She's also making friends wherever we are... and having a good time. And, we're spending so much time... as family, and having so many conversations, and just connecting... ups and downs. =)

Also, we realize while, yeah, these disasters are roadblocks to our plans... we are still privileged. Our lives are not in danger. Our financial situation is fine. Our families are fine. We have so many different options and paths that we can take. We know that Covid and the West Coast wildfires and the current state of affairs in our country have upended so many plans, so many livelihoods, so many lives.... what we're experiencing can't even be classified as a "challenge". This is definitely a huge back-n-forth in our mind... with the state of our country the way it is, with all the challenges our people in Oakland are facing... it feels weird to be doing this "year away".... still grappling with this. 

So for now, we just did a self-organized 2-day silent meditation retreat at an AirBNB on a farm in.... Fremont (separate post about that soon). Next week, we will take a 2 night trip to Capitola with my parents and sister's family... it'll be nice for my parents to get out after being home for 6+ months consecutively cause of Covid! 

Our next goal is to get to Sequim, Washington, and spend time with Ankur and the community there. We just spoke with him a few days ago, and I think it excited both of us... and also just remembering his warmth and awesomeness... it's been MANY years since our paths last crossed! It'll be our first time there... and I just want to see what life will be like there, see what we can experience, what value we can add. The pace will be different, surrounded by nature, more rooted in the land, strong sense of community... at least that's what I envision. Let's see... the hope is to head out Thursday or Friday. 

Chicago

I want to be able to look back at this time and remember our processing and what we did during this time. The first chunk of the "year off" started with a trip to Chicago to see my dad, brother, nephew, sister-in-law and friends. We packed everything up, moved to Fremont, re-organized there and then took off on August 4th, 2020. I hadn't been to Chicago since January with all the quarantine stuff happening. For me, that's a really long time. Generally try to see my dad every couple of months at the latest. Also have a new nephew and hadn't thought I would only see him once. 

We were nervous about flying and trying to figure out the best way to keep my dad protected in case we got coronavirus. The plan was to self-quarantine at my dad's house in Naperville for 4 days and then I get tested and then Arpit/fam and my dad all come back to Naperville and we become our own bubble. The flight ended up being empty and we felt pretty safe but still followed through with the plan. It was weird coming to Naperville and not seeing people right away. Chicago trips have always been about maximizing family/friend time. I let people know and then set dates and times to see people. It was weird to come home to an empty house. My mom's absence in the picture always hits hard and is forever there in the background. It was peaceful in a sense because up until then we had been non stop go go go but there were waves of unease. It was what it was though and we rolled with the situation at hand. We started our daily tradition of going to the pool in my dad's community. My dad had gotten Amaani a bike that he borrowed from a friend. She got into that. I got tested and that was a process in itself but I tested negative! Yay! My dad is a cute man and said ok I'm going to leave Chicago and head on over. 

Time in Chicago is always funny for me. I love seeing family and friends but it also triggers the too much idle time reaction in me. My dad lives in a big house in the suburbs and it's so different than Oakland life. This home is the home I grew up in. There was definitely a theme of waves of being ok in the present moment and waves of what am I/we doing in life? Raj said something on one of our walks that helped put things in perspective that I'm carrying with me for the rest of this year. He said that this year is like a much longer first 10 day Vipassana. Each day is going to be different. You think you got the hang of things but then BAM, something else will come up and you have to sit with that. In hindsight, it was an amazing trip. We got some amazing time with my family. Arpit, Sam and Bodhi (and Otis, their dog) stayed in the house with us the whole time. The house was full and busy. My dad wasn't alone and had things to keep his mind distracted. Bodhi, my nephew, is the cutest and Amaani was in love with him. My brother and sister-in-law were still working during the week so we would take turns watching Bodhi. The days passed with watching Avatar, the Last Airbender, Bodhi time, pool time, biking, running, reading and meals. Mixed in were conversations about our plan in life and where we are going after Chicago. I was getting our Overseas Citizenship of India paperwork done (such an annoying process) in the hope that at some point we will still make it to India. 

Planning social visits was strange this time. In reflection, I think partially I got used to quarantine mode a bit. I still love seeing people and we didn't stay isolated in Oakland either, but it became a little more normal to not fill the calendar with anything because we couldn't. Usually there's a checklist of seeing my girls and catching up with them. Then I also reach out to family friends - the aunties and uncles. It helps me feel close to my mom and it's nice seeing them. Then their kids (who aren't kids anymore but will forever be seen as that). This time, I didn't do all of that. The thought of coronavirus risk and exposing people kept popping up and the day somehow filled up quickly. Given the situation, happy that we got to see some people at least and still bummed that Nithya and I couldn't catch up. Amaani became buddies with Riya and Nala (one of my best friend's kids). I'll put some pics up on this post but more photos of the Chicago time can be found here. 

Arpit and Sam ended up renting an AirBNB in Friendship, Wisconsin for a week during our trip. It was a cute little house and it was a great getaway. We went hiking in Roche-A-Cri State park. There were so many frogs there! We took Bodhi along one day and then Sam and Arpit came a second time. We rented a pontoon boat and spent the day on a lake. Amaani, Raj and I rented kayaks one day in Wisconsin Dells area. I ran a lot. We planned our meals and ate some good food. I also saw the Trump signs everywhere and we observed people not really caring about masks, etc. Photos here. 

In the midst of all this, Raj and I were figuring out next steps. The thought was that we'll head back, get settled and then head out on the road for a month of camping around California. We had a backpacking trip planned in Point Reyes. Raj had a speadsheet of the various campsites and route planned. Big Basin was booked. News of all the fires in California started coming though. The Wood fire affected Point Reyes and it seemed that was going to be cancelled. Big Basin completely burned. We reached yet another decision tree point and were debating between heading back or extending our Chicago trip. We decided the latter as Bodhi was having a surgery and California was burning. We ended up getting in a camping trip with just us 3 to Kettle Moraine State Park. We were able to help the family out with Bodhi's care post op and he did great! 

Also, another innocent Black man, Jacob Blake, was shot in the back 7 times in Kenosha, Wisconsin. The inequality, injustice and persistence of institutionalized racism are thoughts I sit with a lot. There is a background knowledge that in all of our musings, there is such PRIVILEGE. The fact that we have options to escape the fires. To take breaks from life in Oakland. To take this year and step away. Raj and I debated this for a long time before coming to the decision to step away this year. The hope was to go inward and focus on self-care and growth to be able to continue to be present with love, kindness and compassion in our community. But as the universe feels like it is ending and the consequences of ongoing Capitalism and Earth destruction are playing out, the question on should we throw ourselves back in the fight always comes up. To just listen to the news and not do something doesn't feel right. That will probably be another entry in it of itself. 

We ended up heading back on September 3rd. The plan in our mind was to buy a car, and now instead of camping around California, we were to head more north and make our way to a friend living up in Sequim, Washington. At the time of writing this, things have changed again but will save that for a future post. At the end of the Chicago trip, I was grateful for the time we got to spend with family, the friends we did get to see, the time for reflection and sitting with unknown. The bigger life questions in how do we live harmoniously with each other and our Earth still remain. Sadness, anger, frustration at the ongoing craziness of life. 

I want to dedicate a quick paragraph to the books I read during this time. A Tale for the Time Being by Ruth Ozeki - a friend passed it on. Initially it was depressing and a bit triggering for me but ended up being good and I would recommend it. The Wedding Date by Jasmine Guillory. Eh on this one, was good in the beginning and then got redundant. Slay by Brittney Morris, I really liked this one. On the Come Up by Angie Thomas - excellent as well. The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes (The Hunger Games prequel) - definitely got into it. It's the backstory of Snow. My goal is 30 books for this year. I'm at 20 right now. 10 more to go! 

-Astha

A Step Away?

We rented out our home for a year... for a sabbatical year? a gap year? a year "off"? a step away? I don't really know how to define it in just a couple words.

Why?
I'm going to answer this question for me, and then Astha might be able to answer when she has time. About 16 years ago, I set out for India... to understand my roots, to discover my passion and purpose, and to just let my inner voice be my guide. Here's my blog from that journey... if  you want to read about what 24-year old Raj was thinking. It was an incredible journey for me, and really shifted my perspectives on so many things and helped shape my worldview, and really influenced how my mind works. It also got the ball rolling on really the last 15 years of my life.

So, why take a "break" again... right now... when my life is "rolling" - I have a family. I was working at the same school for 10 of the past 12 years. We're immersed in the community. We have a garden growing food. Amaani is in a forest school. I'm involved in education, service, justice work... meditating. So, why am I looking for another "journey"?

I want to make sure I'm continuing to focus on my own self-development, because if I'm focused on that and my mind becomes clearer, sharper and directed, my heart becomes more sensitive and empathetic, my body becomes a healthy tool... then I can live in the feeling of "flow"... I can work alongside others more effectively... I can work towards freedom, justice, and love more wholeheartedly... I can create and envision more clearly. 

This was the year we were supposed to "step away"... to camp, to be in India, and spend time recognizing and fulfilling our relationship with Mother Earth and living in community. This was the year to de-clutter, de-condition, de-colonize, and de-school our minds... to allow our true inner beings to shine. My next step in Oakland, eventually, involves my desire to open a Self-Directed Learning Center (https://www.self-directed.org/) in Oakland (more on that later)... but part of the process for that is to really become aware of my schoolish ways of being... of working towards freedom (Swatantrata) myself. 

Our plans are changing by the moment now... with Covid, with the California fires, and with just everything that is in front of us. And that's part of the learning... we actually have the option to go with "the flow"... and see where we end up. I feel like going with the flow isn't passive... but rather requires even MORE initiative and action, in actuality it's more RAPID decision-making. Usually, we make decisions - i.e. I'm going to take this position at this company - and then we have a schedule, a routine, etc... and many times, we're on auto-pilot...  But right now, we're making decisions each week, each day... sometimes each hour... on what our next step is. And, to me, that's part of the process of this year... similarly to how it was part of my process 15 years ago. However, the difference now... is the communication piece. We need to TALK THROUGH our decisions... as a family... all 3 of us... which is hard for me. That constant communication piece is a challenge for me, and definitely an area I'm looking to grow in this year. I'll list out some more personal intentions in a later post.

As for now... signing out. 

Partner in growth,

RAJ

It's my turn to write out the why a "step away?"

Why? 

Raj and I have been talking about this time away since we got together. We were first going to take it after residency. Take some time before starting work but my mom had been diagnosed with Ovarian cancer and we thought we would be "practical" and pay off my medical school loans. Then after 3 1/2 years at La Clinica, I was going to step back and reflect on my role in medicine and think outside the box. But then, I got excited about an opportunity to the the HIV/primary care provider at Tri-City and that didn't happen. Even now, we were going back and forth in should we do it or not. The pandemic happened and we wondered is it the time to take off? We had kind of a perfect set up in Oakland. We were rooted in community, Amaani's forest school was still in place, and Raj could segway into self-directed learning. 

On my end, I have never had extended unstructured time. I have always been a "goal-directed" person. I went from college, to medical school to residency to working. Once I started working, I was part-time for the most part and got to balance my passions in medicine with living life as well. I've heard Raj's journey and heard about others and it always seemed appealing. I probably have romanticized it in ways as well but there has been a curiosity into what it would be like and a desire to take time for myself/ourselves away from the "system." With that though, in the back of my mind I worried. It's taken me a long time to get here but I finally feel at ease in my role as a physician, role as a mother/wife and a human being. There are always ups and downs and my struggle with myself, my anxiety and "being enough" will be a life long struggle. With the help of meds and other life coping skills, I'm more at ease with myself and that is HUGE for me. Losing my mom is probably one of the hardest things I've had to do and her loss stays with me everyday. Yet there was forward momentum. We had built community and can say the tag line to this blog has held true. We're trying our best to raise a conscious human being and I'm filled with gratitude everyday. 

The big question for me for this time is: Is there a way to live harmoniously without feeling contradictions all the time? While I love what I/we do, there's always unease. Not enough time, guilt at ordering from Amazon, all the consumption, the garbage, etc. A desire to live harmoniously with myself, with mother Earth, with each other and in community. I'm the type of person that thrives off of other people's stories and learns so much from them. I want this time to slow down, to observe, to listen and explore. Raj has mentioned that we've always worked within broken systems but is there a way to uproot the system totally? Those are the bigger picture questions for me. I am so thankful to Raj and to this day I love the way he makes me think and question. I love learning and doing different things and will never have the clear visions he does but am grateful that I have him to bounce off ideas with. I agree with him in a desire to un-school myself and have Amaani not chain herself to schoolish ways. 

All the plans we had are being shifted as the world around us shifts. It's definitely a daily lesson in not freaking out, re-making plans, being in the present. Another background goal is to break the chains of equating doing = value/worth. We are learning together and watching Amaani in all of this makes me smile everyday. Communication among us 3 is key for me and grateful that we're doing this. I think that's all I got for now. 

Love, 

Astha