Time in Fremont, 2 day Meditation Retreat, Capitola

Fremont, CA

It's been almost a month of us coming back to Fremont from Chicago. Time continues to pass quickly. We came back to bad air and a lot of California burning. Raj wrote about all the changing plans but I want to focus on what we've been up to the past few weeks. 

We've been staying with Raj's parents. We wore masks the first few days and then Raj got tested for COVID. When we had gotten back, between the air quality, fires burning and politics, a negative test and not needing to wear a mask in the house was a small win. We got to meet up with some friends. Amaani made friends with two girls across the street, Sachi and Suri and that's been a true joy to watch. This whole year we wanted the intention to be in community and around other kids. As quarantining continues, the socialization aspect and her being around other kids has been hard. So her naturally forming these friendships was beautiful. 

Everyday, they came over in the afternoon and just played. They made slime almost every single day. They did art, they made up a game of Peep, LOL land, and water play. They played together and they played independently. Sachi loves reading and any book she saw, she sat and read. I definitely think it motivated Amaani to start trying her hand at reading as well. It was one of my favorite parts of Fremont watching them learn and play together. 

Raj and I had been wanting to get in a meditation retreat and couldn't get into the Vipassana centers. He found this place and it was perfect. (If you're looking for a Staycation.. check out this place. And Moina, the owner, is awesome.. and she has another larger guesthouse, too. We left Amaani with the parents and set up a 2 day meditation retreat that followed the Vipassana schedule. I had been out of the practice and these retreats are always a good reminder in how to sit again. We stayed silent with each other and meditated away. Being on a farm felt like we were away. Lots of walks around the area. Taking the time to silent the mind is always good. No huge revelations for us but it was a good reset. Then we stayed two more nights and Amaani joined us. She loved the animals. We met a cat on one of our hikes that seems to be a famous cat. All the hikers know the cat. 

We then planned a mini getaway to Capitola with the parents and Ami and the kiddos. They haven't been out of the house since all this started. We rented a hotel and just had some nice family time. We went to the Forest of Nisene State Parks twice and we all loved it. The redwoods were majestic. Someone had set up a swing over the creek and we all took a turn. One of our themes this year is ongoing connection to Mother Earth and watching kids naturally light up in the forest is incredible. Our nephews are 9 and 7 and Amaani is 5. They ran around and made up their own games. Created a fortress with all the different tree stumps. We tested out our bike stand for the car and had all our bikes there. Bike rides, beach and of course lots of food. 

We are headed out tomorrow. Our plan is to eventually get to Sequim, Washington but we are going to camp along the way. We've packed for so many different situations because we just don't know what we'll end up doing. Definitely some doubt in the purpose of the trip but rolling with it. I think my intentions is to continue to working on mindfulness, reading, exercising and connections to others. I would like to possibly get some get out the vote postcards. I liked Raj's recap in taking this time to be able to work on ourselves to continue to serve and love the community and in our ongoing work. 

Some pictures here and here. 

If you guys have any suggestions on things to watch or read to be inspired, please do share. 

A Lesson in Flexibility

When we first envisioned this "year", we thought we'd be heading out to India right about now.... things haven't quite gone as planned. 

> We planned to do a Point Reyes backpacking trip in April for our 10-year wedding anniversary, but coronavirus hit and shut everything down. 

> We decided to continue with our plans for a "year off" even with all the coronavirus madness, hoping that we could get to India by October. 

> India has been really bad coronavirus-wise, so we thought, maybe Oaxaca? Well... Amaani's passport is expired and it's taking MONTHS for passport renewal because of Covid-related shutdowns. We'll probably have her passport around December or January.

> We planned to go to Chicago for about a month and spend time with family... we did that!

> We planned to come back to California and finally do our Point Reyes backpacking trip, and then go to Big Basin with my family. A fire broke out in BOTH Point Reyes and Big Basin.

> We planned to camp around California for a month... fires exploded all over the state. I didn't have to cancel any reservations, though, because they all got cancelled automatically as fire and/or smoke engulfed the different locations.

> We planned (and are still planning) to go to Washington state and stay with a friend in the small town of Sequim...and camp on our way up there. Fires then hit Oregon and Washington at a never-seen-before scale. 

Through this all... I think we've done a pretty good job of just rolling with it and exploring what the next opportunity may be, and what opportunity is placed in front of us instead. We got to spend extended time in Chicago with Astha's family... her dad, our nephew, Bodhi, Arpit, and Sam... and do great trips in the Midwest. We now are getting an opportunity to spend time with my parents. Amidst the pandemic and quarantine, this probably means a lot to them to break the monotony... and Amaani has had this chance to spend time with her grandparents, her cousin Bodhi, Mama, Mami, Bua, and her cousins Ishi and Saavi. She's also making friends wherever we are... and having a good time. And, we're spending so much time... as family, and having so many conversations, and just connecting... ups and downs. =)

Also, we realize while, yeah, these disasters are roadblocks to our plans... we are still privileged. Our lives are not in danger. Our financial situation is fine. Our families are fine. We have so many different options and paths that we can take. We know that Covid and the West Coast wildfires and the current state of affairs in our country have upended so many plans, so many livelihoods, so many lives.... what we're experiencing can't even be classified as a "challenge". This is definitely a huge back-n-forth in our mind... with the state of our country the way it is, with all the challenges our people in Oakland are facing... it feels weird to be doing this "year away".... still grappling with this. 

So for now, we just did a self-organized 2-day silent meditation retreat at an AirBNB on a farm in.... Fremont (separate post about that soon). Next week, we will take a 2 night trip to Capitola with my parents and sister's family... it'll be nice for my parents to get out after being home for 6+ months consecutively cause of Covid! 

Our next goal is to get to Sequim, Washington, and spend time with Ankur and the community there. We just spoke with him a few days ago, and I think it excited both of us... and also just remembering his warmth and awesomeness... it's been MANY years since our paths last crossed! It'll be our first time there... and I just want to see what life will be like there, see what we can experience, what value we can add. The pace will be different, surrounded by nature, more rooted in the land, strong sense of community... at least that's what I envision. Let's see... the hope is to head out Thursday or Friday. 

Chicago

I want to be able to look back at this time and remember our processing and what we did during this time. The first chunk of the "year off" started with a trip to Chicago to see my dad, brother, nephew, sister-in-law and friends. We packed everything up, moved to Fremont, re-organized there and then took off on August 4th, 2020. I hadn't been to Chicago since January with all the quarantine stuff happening. For me, that's a really long time. Generally try to see my dad every couple of months at the latest. Also have a new nephew and hadn't thought I would only see him once. 

We were nervous about flying and trying to figure out the best way to keep my dad protected in case we got coronavirus. The plan was to self-quarantine at my dad's house in Naperville for 4 days and then I get tested and then Arpit/fam and my dad all come back to Naperville and we become our own bubble. The flight ended up being empty and we felt pretty safe but still followed through with the plan. It was weird coming to Naperville and not seeing people right away. Chicago trips have always been about maximizing family/friend time. I let people know and then set dates and times to see people. It was weird to come home to an empty house. My mom's absence in the picture always hits hard and is forever there in the background. It was peaceful in a sense because up until then we had been non stop go go go but there were waves of unease. It was what it was though and we rolled with the situation at hand. We started our daily tradition of going to the pool in my dad's community. My dad had gotten Amaani a bike that he borrowed from a friend. She got into that. I got tested and that was a process in itself but I tested negative! Yay! My dad is a cute man and said ok I'm going to leave Chicago and head on over. 

Time in Chicago is always funny for me. I love seeing family and friends but it also triggers the too much idle time reaction in me. My dad lives in a big house in the suburbs and it's so different than Oakland life. This home is the home I grew up in. There was definitely a theme of waves of being ok in the present moment and waves of what am I/we doing in life? Raj said something on one of our walks that helped put things in perspective that I'm carrying with me for the rest of this year. He said that this year is like a much longer first 10 day Vipassana. Each day is going to be different. You think you got the hang of things but then BAM, something else will come up and you have to sit with that. In hindsight, it was an amazing trip. We got some amazing time with my family. Arpit, Sam and Bodhi (and Otis, their dog) stayed in the house with us the whole time. The house was full and busy. My dad wasn't alone and had things to keep his mind distracted. Bodhi, my nephew, is the cutest and Amaani was in love with him. My brother and sister-in-law were still working during the week so we would take turns watching Bodhi. The days passed with watching Avatar, the Last Airbender, Bodhi time, pool time, biking, running, reading and meals. Mixed in were conversations about our plan in life and where we are going after Chicago. I was getting our Overseas Citizenship of India paperwork done (such an annoying process) in the hope that at some point we will still make it to India. 

Planning social visits was strange this time. In reflection, I think partially I got used to quarantine mode a bit. I still love seeing people and we didn't stay isolated in Oakland either, but it became a little more normal to not fill the calendar with anything because we couldn't. Usually there's a checklist of seeing my girls and catching up with them. Then I also reach out to family friends - the aunties and uncles. It helps me feel close to my mom and it's nice seeing them. Then their kids (who aren't kids anymore but will forever be seen as that). This time, I didn't do all of that. The thought of coronavirus risk and exposing people kept popping up and the day somehow filled up quickly. Given the situation, happy that we got to see some people at least and still bummed that Nithya and I couldn't catch up. Amaani became buddies with Riya and Nala (one of my best friend's kids). I'll put some pics up on this post but more photos of the Chicago time can be found here. 

Arpit and Sam ended up renting an AirBNB in Friendship, Wisconsin for a week during our trip. It was a cute little house and it was a great getaway. We went hiking in Roche-A-Cri State park. There were so many frogs there! We took Bodhi along one day and then Sam and Arpit came a second time. We rented a pontoon boat and spent the day on a lake. Amaani, Raj and I rented kayaks one day in Wisconsin Dells area. I ran a lot. We planned our meals and ate some good food. I also saw the Trump signs everywhere and we observed people not really caring about masks, etc. Photos here. 

In the midst of all this, Raj and I were figuring out next steps. The thought was that we'll head back, get settled and then head out on the road for a month of camping around California. We had a backpacking trip planned in Point Reyes. Raj had a speadsheet of the various campsites and route planned. Big Basin was booked. News of all the fires in California started coming though. The Wood fire affected Point Reyes and it seemed that was going to be cancelled. Big Basin completely burned. We reached yet another decision tree point and were debating between heading back or extending our Chicago trip. We decided the latter as Bodhi was having a surgery and California was burning. We ended up getting in a camping trip with just us 3 to Kettle Moraine State Park. We were able to help the family out with Bodhi's care post op and he did great! 

Also, another innocent Black man, Jacob Blake, was shot in the back 7 times in Kenosha, Wisconsin. The inequality, injustice and persistence of institutionalized racism are thoughts I sit with a lot. There is a background knowledge that in all of our musings, there is such PRIVILEGE. The fact that we have options to escape the fires. To take breaks from life in Oakland. To take this year and step away. Raj and I debated this for a long time before coming to the decision to step away this year. The hope was to go inward and focus on self-care and growth to be able to continue to be present with love, kindness and compassion in our community. But as the universe feels like it is ending and the consequences of ongoing Capitalism and Earth destruction are playing out, the question on should we throw ourselves back in the fight always comes up. To just listen to the news and not do something doesn't feel right. That will probably be another entry in it of itself. 

We ended up heading back on September 3rd. The plan in our mind was to buy a car, and now instead of camping around California, we were to head more north and make our way to a friend living up in Sequim, Washington. At the time of writing this, things have changed again but will save that for a future post. At the end of the Chicago trip, I was grateful for the time we got to spend with family, the friends we did get to see, the time for reflection and sitting with unknown. The bigger life questions in how do we live harmoniously with each other and our Earth still remain. Sadness, anger, frustration at the ongoing craziness of life. 

I want to dedicate a quick paragraph to the books I read during this time. A Tale for the Time Being by Ruth Ozeki - a friend passed it on. Initially it was depressing and a bit triggering for me but ended up being good and I would recommend it. The Wedding Date by Jasmine Guillory. Eh on this one, was good in the beginning and then got redundant. Slay by Brittney Morris, I really liked this one. On the Come Up by Angie Thomas - excellent as well. The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes (The Hunger Games prequel) - definitely got into it. It's the backstory of Snow. My goal is 30 books for this year. I'm at 20 right now. 10 more to go! 

-Astha

A Step Away?

We rented out our home for a year... for a sabbatical year? a gap year? a year "off"? a step away? I don't really know how to define it in just a couple words.

Why?
I'm going to answer this question for me, and then Astha might be able to answer when she has time. About 16 years ago, I set out for India... to understand my roots, to discover my passion and purpose, and to just let my inner voice be my guide. Here's my blog from that journey... if  you want to read about what 24-year old Raj was thinking. It was an incredible journey for me, and really shifted my perspectives on so many things and helped shape my worldview, and really influenced how my mind works. It also got the ball rolling on really the last 15 years of my life.

So, why take a "break" again... right now... when my life is "rolling" - I have a family. I was working at the same school for 10 of the past 12 years. We're immersed in the community. We have a garden growing food. Amaani is in a forest school. I'm involved in education, service, justice work... meditating. So, why am I looking for another "journey"?

I want to make sure I'm continuing to focus on my own self-development, because if I'm focused on that and my mind becomes clearer, sharper and directed, my heart becomes more sensitive and empathetic, my body becomes a healthy tool... then I can live in the feeling of "flow"... I can work alongside others more effectively... I can work towards freedom, justice, and love more wholeheartedly... I can create and envision more clearly. 

This was the year we were supposed to "step away"... to camp, to be in India, and spend time recognizing and fulfilling our relationship with Mother Earth and living in community. This was the year to de-clutter, de-condition, de-colonize, and de-school our minds... to allow our true inner beings to shine. My next step in Oakland, eventually, involves my desire to open a Self-Directed Learning Center (https://www.self-directed.org/) in Oakland (more on that later)... but part of the process for that is to really become aware of my schoolish ways of being... of working towards freedom (Swatantrata) myself. 

Our plans are changing by the moment now... with Covid, with the California fires, and with just everything that is in front of us. And that's part of the learning... we actually have the option to go with "the flow"... and see where we end up. I feel like going with the flow isn't passive... but rather requires even MORE initiative and action, in actuality it's more RAPID decision-making. Usually, we make decisions - i.e. I'm going to take this position at this company - and then we have a schedule, a routine, etc... and many times, we're on auto-pilot...  But right now, we're making decisions each week, each day... sometimes each hour... on what our next step is. And, to me, that's part of the process of this year... similarly to how it was part of my process 15 years ago. However, the difference now... is the communication piece. We need to TALK THROUGH our decisions... as a family... all 3 of us... which is hard for me. That constant communication piece is a challenge for me, and definitely an area I'm looking to grow in this year. I'll list out some more personal intentions in a later post.

As for now... signing out. 

Partner in growth,

RAJ

It's my turn to write out the why a "step away?"

Why? 

Raj and I have been talking about this time away since we got together. We were first going to take it after residency. Take some time before starting work but my mom had been diagnosed with Ovarian cancer and we thought we would be "practical" and pay off my medical school loans. Then after 3 1/2 years at La Clinica, I was going to step back and reflect on my role in medicine and think outside the box. But then, I got excited about an opportunity to the the HIV/primary care provider at Tri-City and that didn't happen. Even now, we were going back and forth in should we do it or not. The pandemic happened and we wondered is it the time to take off? We had kind of a perfect set up in Oakland. We were rooted in community, Amaani's forest school was still in place, and Raj could segway into self-directed learning. 

On my end, I have never had extended unstructured time. I have always been a "goal-directed" person. I went from college, to medical school to residency to working. Once I started working, I was part-time for the most part and got to balance my passions in medicine with living life as well. I've heard Raj's journey and heard about others and it always seemed appealing. I probably have romanticized it in ways as well but there has been a curiosity into what it would be like and a desire to take time for myself/ourselves away from the "system." With that though, in the back of my mind I worried. It's taken me a long time to get here but I finally feel at ease in my role as a physician, role as a mother/wife and a human being. There are always ups and downs and my struggle with myself, my anxiety and "being enough" will be a life long struggle. With the help of meds and other life coping skills, I'm more at ease with myself and that is HUGE for me. Losing my mom is probably one of the hardest things I've had to do and her loss stays with me everyday. Yet there was forward momentum. We had built community and can say the tag line to this blog has held true. We're trying our best to raise a conscious human being and I'm filled with gratitude everyday. 

The big question for me for this time is: Is there a way to live harmoniously without feeling contradictions all the time? While I love what I/we do, there's always unease. Not enough time, guilt at ordering from Amazon, all the consumption, the garbage, etc. A desire to live harmoniously with myself, with mother Earth, with each other and in community. I'm the type of person that thrives off of other people's stories and learns so much from them. I want this time to slow down, to observe, to listen and explore. Raj has mentioned that we've always worked within broken systems but is there a way to uproot the system totally? Those are the bigger picture questions for me. I am so thankful to Raj and to this day I love the way he makes me think and question. I love learning and doing different things and will never have the clear visions he does but am grateful that I have him to bounce off ideas with. I agree with him in a desire to un-school myself and have Amaani not chain herself to schoolish ways. 

All the plans we had are being shifted as the world around us shifts. It's definitely a daily lesson in not freaking out, re-making plans, being in the present. Another background goal is to break the chains of equating doing = value/worth. We are learning together and watching Amaani in all of this makes me smile everyday. Communication among us 3 is key for me and grateful that we're doing this. I think that's all I got for now. 

Love, 

Astha

Oakland Life

I randomly ended up remembering our blog today and was reading our old posts..what a journey it has been since the last post! I think I ended with Chicago vegan restaurants (which we are still obsessed with every time we go back). I also realized I never posted my end of residency reflection and now that is 4 years later...oops. We posted about our goals in California, work, gardening, hiking and so much more.

Raj and I always mention coming back to this and documenting our journey but never actually do it. Today, I'm feeling inspired so let's see where this takes me. I don't even know where to begin or how to format this.



Raj and I
We are going on almost 7 years of marriage and 8 years of being together. I don't really remember life without Raj. And if I do it feels like a remote memory. He is just there present in my life, never wavering. I think the biggest update is that we have created a human being together and it is no longer him and I only. Amaani is her name and she is almost two! More about her later. Raj is still teaching at Ascend Elementary in Fruitvale. I can proudly say that we are still attempting to live more meaningful lives as individuals and as a couple. Now, Amaani is part of that journey as well and she serves as a constant reminder of that. We have gone through our ups and downs but have always been able openly and honestly communicate through it all. Like many before us have said, marriage with a child changes things, but we are navigating through it. We just recently bought a house in May. It is a few blocks from where we lived before. We never thought that would happen. The main drive was to have a space for Amaani to have a garden and be connected to the Earth and not just concrete. Many more things could be said but main thing is we are good and continue to live a meaningful life.

Amaani

This munchkin of ours was born on December 20, 2014. She is currently 21 months old and is my world. She never ceases to amaze me. She loves to talk and knows Hindi which makes me so happy. Children just absorb the world around us and I don't think I have gotten to fully appreciate that until now. She pays attention to everything we do. She explores things, tells us when she is afraid, is becoming a little more outgoing but still clingy to those she knows more and is always making us laugh. We/I have many goals for her in life but the biggest is for her to be a kind and caring human being. And that she should make the world a better place. Small goals really ;) Becoming a mother has been humbling to say the least. I've always appreciated parents but becoming one makes you really realize what our parents do for us. Thank you to them again! Amaani has her village and we wouldn't be able to do it alone for a second.

Work
When it comes to work, lots of things have changed recently in the past couple of months. I used to be at La Clinica de la Raza as a primary care physician. It is a federally qualified health center and technically my first "real job." I stayed there about 3.5 years and learned so much. Built some amazing relationships with my patients and my colleagues there were family. I reached a point that the anxiety of going into work became extremely high. I didn't know what each day would bring and constantly felt like I was only putting on band-aids to a much bigger problem. I ended up reaching the decision to leave. It was incredibly hard to do and I still wonder if it was the right decision but I needed the mental space to think outside the box. Currently, I'm doing two days a week as the HIV specialist at Tri-City Health in Fremont and one day a week at the UCSF Clinician Consultation Center. I looked back at the old blogs and I'm getting to stick to the goals of post residency and currently have really delved into the HIV world more. I feel like I'm constantly learning and getting to serve a community that is still so often discriminated against. 

There is a desire to break free from the system and create something. Ideas that float in my/our head is a space for people to gather, live well together. be in community, grow food, work with our hands, and meditate. One of the main reasons to break away from La Clinica was to have time to do that but the job opportunity at Tri-City came up all of a sudden and I see myself getting caught in the same trap of needing to address the immediate needs in a very limited clinic setting. I don't want to diagnose or put labels on people in what is and isn't wrong with them. I'm a big believer that we are our own biggest healers but we seem to forget that. Part of me knows I'm serving a role and am attempting to be the best doctor I can be, but part of me thinks I'm perpetuating a broken system. I think for now, I'm getting to explore the HIV world deeper which has always been a passion of mine. I also am pushing myself to make connections in our community outside of the clinic setting. Things always organically come up and hopefully one day things will align to create something to live and be well rather than "prescribe" health. 

Raj is still at Ascend Elementary, the school he originally started at. I won't say too much on his behalf but it has been amazing to watch him build community and relationships with the kids and families there. We've gotten to see these kids grow. His first class is now heading off to college! There are countless stories to share and feeling grateful at the opportunity to be a part of it. 

New Home
Still can't believe we bought a home and the thought of being in debt and bound to a mortgage makes me go crazy at times. As I mentioned above, the main drive was to have our own garden space. Our old home didn't have anything for that and we were watching Amaani become more and more conscious of the world. We wanted her to be connected to the Earth and directly see her connection to where our food comes from. Other motivators were having a space to build community, have more space for our family, it would be an eventual investment. We went back and forth a lot. We put down two or three offers, got two of them and rejected them before we actually went through with it. And even with this, we were so uncertain about the decision. I think I'm slowly coming around to it being worth it but the upfront costs, the unexpected things that we knew nothing about and the things that still keep coming up make me doubt the decision at times. That being said, we picked where we were at because it seemed to be a happy medium of the things we were looking for. We needed it to have a large plot size, I needed a good kitchen and it needed to be in the Fruitvale area. We've done a lot of renovations to it and it is now home. For the garden, we did the sheet mulching and used Planting Justice to plant fruit trees and do the initial clean up for us. We still need to build raised beds, plant fruit trees on the outside of the house but we are on our way! We've had strawberries that have already grown but the worms get to them before we can :( Nature is another natural wonder in its ability to persevere. We still need to make being present in the garden a priority and all the work that comes with it. I know though, whenever I've gone out there, it makes me focus on what is in front of me and is calming. 

Random

There has been lots of cooking happening. Knitting started again and now on hiatus again. Hiking unfortunately has slowed down but is always on our minds. 

I think that is enough for now. Lots of other random thoughts in my head but will stop. We know we need to have many people over and are slowly going through the list. Stop by at anytime. Hopefully, I/we will actually keep up with the blog to share/document our journey but always a million competing priorities. 

Ending Residency Reflection! Never posted this but here it is 4 years later

In about 3 days, I am going to officially be ending residency!!!! My journey has definitely been full of twists and turns. I thought I would take some time to reflect on the past 3 + years. I've had a running dialogue in my head on what I would want to say but as I finally sit down to write this...I realize it is going to be much harder than I expected. Raj said I should focus on major turning points but there are so many! Hmm...let's see what happens.

I really can't believe this day is finally here. For the longest time, I honestly believed I wouldn't make it through. Before I get into all of that, I think I will go back to the beginning. In between my 3rd and 4th year I went on Inspire and as many of you know it changed my world view dramatically. I wanted to look for a residency program that focused on primary care and prevention. I also met the love of my life in the process of applying and got to share the decision of where I would end up with him. After the long match process, I ended up matching at Montefiore Medical Center. Unfortunately it meant long distance for Raj and I, but we were ready to work through it.

I started residency at the end of June in 2009 - excited, eager, petrified. As much as I thought I had mentally prepared myself for what was to come...definitely wasn't enough. I will never forget my first day. I came home at 11pm at night and collapsed on the floor and simply cried. Thank God Raj was there for the transition and has been a persistent rock in my life. I was completely overwhelmed and felt that I was in way over my head. That feeling lasted for a very long time. I constantly felt like I didn't know enough, I wasn't able to FIX any of the chronic medical problems and I had no power to address any of the underlying social injustices that were in place in the Bronx. I , was very thankful to be part of a program that was filled with such inspiring faculty and a curriculum that really has defined my view of medicine. I was constantly pushed to get the story behind the health problems and I was taught to think critically of the social injustices that exist in our current system of health. I was given tips on what to do in difficult situations, was taught to watch my own reactions/biases in the patient room and countless other tidbits. I learned the history of the Bronx. I started learning about various community organizations near by.

At the same time, Raj and I were trying to balance the whole long distance relationship. He stayed with me for the first month and it was so exciting to envision what our lives would be like together. It was also the first time that I had truly lived by myself. I had lived in the Chicago land area my whole life - always very close to family and friends. Thinking back...I think it was the combination of everything that made the initial time in residency so challenging for me. New place, actually being a "doctor", long distance relationship, being away from family, constantly feeling uncertain of my purpose in life. It was the perfect storm.

Raj and I had ongoing conversations if it was all worth it. I had reached a point that I felt like I was constantly struggling and not getting anywhere and was it worth the unhappiness. We decided that I should take some time off to figure things out. I was so thankful to my program director for being so supportive. Mind you this was also a few months before our wedding. I went out to California for about a month and chose to explore various community organizations out there. I wanted to see if I would find more meaning in working at the community level. I worked with People's Grocery, took a domestic violence training course, talked to a bunch of people. In the end, I wanted to finish what I started and knew that the power of a degree would come in handy in whatever I wanted to do in the future.

I am really thankful for taking the time to really decide for myself if I wanted to finish residency or not. It was no easy task - facing parents, thinking about loans, societal standards, etc. But it was this thing that I felt like I had no choice in the matter and by taking time off and choosing it again, I felt more in control. The rest of the year was still challenging but I got married (yay!) and I was able to accept more that things would be hard for a bit but it would pass. I also focused on a few things that would make life more meaningful and I slowly trudged on.

When things were finally getting into a groove (Raj had moved....we were building some roots...we had a good circle of friends...I was starting my Social Medicine project) life decided to challenge us yet again. I found out my mom had ovarian cancer and did that throw our life for another turn. This happened in November of 2010 and we basically decided we needed to move back to Chicago. We didn't know what the future held but we didn't want to have regretted not being able to spend time with my mom. It was a whirlwind of events. Surgery, complications, chemo...but bit by bit things got better when we didn't know if they would or not. I had yet another break in my training but was able to restart at Rush University Medical Center (my medical school) in Feb of 2011. It has been almost 2 years now since it all started and my mom is doing great!!!

Rush was it's own story. I definitely MISSED the curriculum and people at Montefiore. I picked that program for a reason and was sad to not have finished my training there. But on a positive note I was able to advocate for myself and my learning. I pushed myself to find things that interested me and to continue to learn about the systemic injustices that take place in all cities across the country/world. Chicago is a very segregated city and I was constantly reminded about the inequalities that exist. I did rotations at the Cook County jail and it is appalling to know the discrimination that exists for people of color. I won't get into all that here. I think I finally reached a point that I was comfortable in my own skin as a clinician. I knew I wasn't the best but I knew I cared and was compassionate and would try my best. I discovered that I really liked learning about HIV and taking care of patient's with the disease. I was able to combine many of my interests in this one field. I took the LEAP money Rush gives us and took Spanish classes. I was able to change my continuity clinic to CHC and got to continue to work in a similar patient setting that I would have in hte Bronx.  I learned what I needed to from residency but focused on the things I was passionate about.

And now...I have finally reached the end. Raj and I decided to move to Cali and I have been able to successfully find two part-time jobs. One is working for a federally qualified health clinic called La Clinica de la Raza and the other is working for the National HIV Consultation hotline. La Clinica is right down the street from Raj's school and we are going to be sharing a community and getting to hopefully overlap and work together.

The recap itself is so long! Yikes!!! I have missed many details and many other significant events that have profoundly shaped my life. I needed to just take some time to reflect and now I really want to just thank a lot of people for getting me through this crazy time in my life. Raj....I cannot thank you enough. Honestly, it takes a man of true strength to have put up with me these last few years. I felt like a crazy person and I was a crazy person. You have never left my side and been my rock since day 1. You have pushed me forward constantly and thank you alone doesn't cut it but it is a start. Ekta Modi...you are probably next because those dark dark days of intern year....I don't know what I would have done without you. I could call you at any time of day and you were there with encouraging words. You got me to get out that door and take one day at a time. I love you and you are incredible. To my family - my parents, Raj's parents, Ami(r) and Arpit...for always being there and visiting and being positive. Even when you didn't agree with our decisions you were there. To all my friends that came out to visit and provide support and to all the relationships I got to rebuild after coming back to Chicago. To the New York new friendships - Nikki, Binny, Erin. To Montefiore and it's faculty for being inspiring human beings. To Dr. Hart for being an amazing mentor to me and helping me find jobs in Chicago and in the Bay area. To all the people that inspired me to be a better person and keep pushing forward.

At this point in my life...I'm probably the same bundle of emotions I was at the start of residency. I'm excited for the future, I'm scared, I'm nervous. I still feel like I don't know much and don't know how things will be. I do know that I have overcome many challenges over the past years and am a stronger human being for it. I've gotten lost and found myself along the way. Raj and I are going to finally get to restart our lives again. We get to be working in the same community and it is what we have wanted for a very long time. I will miss Chicago deeply. These past few months have been amazing. I have cherished every moment and gotten to spend so much time with my loved ones. I will miss my family and friends but know my ties run deep. I'm excited for the new careers and want to see where they take me. Raj and I want to do so much in Cali - experiment with growing our own food, healthy eating, buying land, cooking, exercise, meditation, immersion in our community, and probably so much more. Here's to a new beginning!!! 

Chicago Vegetarian-Friendly Restaurants

As our time in Chicago comes to an end... we thought we should come up with a list of vegetarian-friendly restaurants that we frequented while we were in Chicago!

Starting on the South Side...

Soul Vegetarian East - 205 E. 75th St.
Soul food is something I'd never really tasted until we went to this place that offers veggie soul food! We love the BBQ twists. Healthy food and they have lots of different healthy juices and shakes.

El Faro - 3936 W. 31st St.
Not a vegetarian restaurant but they have tons of veggie-friendly/fake-meat options. We LOVE the veggie cubano torta... an amazing sandwich with egg and all sorts of fake meat and yummy goodness.

Yummy Thai - 1418 W. Taylor St.
One of our favorite Thai restaurants... dishes we enjoy: Panang Curry with veggies and tofu, Sweet Basil Tofu, Rama Tofu, Pad Thai, and Spicy Crazy Noodle.

Butterfly Sushi Bar and Thai Cuisine - 1156 W. Grand Ave. (multiple locations)
Another one of our favorite Thai restaurants... we go for the Thai food, not the sushi. Their Panang and Red Curries are awesome!

Native Foods Cafe - 1484 N. Milwaukee Ave. (multiple locations)
A completely vegan restaurant where all the food is made on-site and fresh! A lot of fake meat options. Their items are really hit-or-miss depending on what your taste is. I enjoy their Twister Wrap, Nachos, Sweet Potato Fries, and some of their burgers.

Handlebar - 2311 W. North Ave.
Not completely vegetarian because they have seafood as well, but great vegetarian options! A lot of their food is great, but we love the Buffalo Chicken Wrap... have them add avocado.

Urban Vegan - 1605 W. Montrose Ave.
We only tried this place recently and were blown away! It's a Thai restaurant but it's completely vegetarian... it has a lot of fake meat options. If you used to eat meat and miss orange chicken... this place has a great fake-meat orange 'chicken'.

Chicago Diner - 3411 N. Halsted St.
I think we've enjoyed pretty much everything that we've tried here... and love their soy shakes. This is kind of "the" place to go to for vegetarians and vegans in Chicago.

Demera Ethiopian Restaurant - 4801 N. Broadway St.
Not a vegetarian restaurant, but if you're vegetarian and you haven't tried Ethiopian food, you should! You can start with vegetarian or spinach sambussas... then get the vegetarian messob which is large family-style plate. You can get different vegetarian options on the messob... we usually get "misir-wot," "shiro," "gomen," and "kay seerena carrot tibs." Yummmy!

I-Cream - 1537 N. Milwaukee Ave.
After your meal, you have to have dessert, right? Our favorite is this ice cream shop... the ice cream is MADE right their in front of you using liquid nitrogen... you can get regular ice cream, soy ice cream, flavored yogurt, shakes, etc... whatever you want. They have soooo many flavors and toppings you can choose from! AMAZING.


Hmm... which of these should I try to hit up when I'm in Chicago for a weekend in August.....?