Activity #2: Spreading the love

Acitivity #2 (I still can't think of a better word to describe what we're doing here): The task at hand is going to be two-fold:

1) The infamous Valentine's Day is coming up. We've decided to use this day to spread the love across the city of San Francisco with a bunch of friends and family. The general idea is to have free hug signs, share a meal with people, and come back together to reflect on how the day went. I want to know what motivates you to participate, what happened during the day, what memorable moments stayed with you, and some personal difficulties, if any, you had with the activity. What observations did you make throughout the day and what were you feeling? My list of questions can continue so overall, I want to know all the thoughts that went through your mind for the day.

Astha:
So much to reflect on. Here goes..(this is going to be really long)

Part 1: At first, I didn't even think I would be able to participate in the Day of Spreading Love activity because I had no intentions of coming to visit you. When you forwarded me the email though, I thought it was a great idea and had automatically found my own volunteer activity that would allow me to connect with people and use Valentine's Day as an excuse to do it. But the stars aligned and I got to be there with you.

It started with picking up "our kids" from the school. Some background info: Raj teaches 5th grade and he had offered whoever wanted to come from his class to join him on this opportunity. A bunch were interested but it ended up narrowing down to 4 confirmed kids. I was there in his class when he was in the confirming process and it was so interesting to see the motivation to do something like this from the kids. I'm still not sure exactly what motivated them. I think automatically I want to think that they are doing it for the same reasons that I am doing it: to become more aware of the world around us and to connect to people and to share. But I'm not sure if they analyze or think about it as much as I do. We gave them time in class to make valentine's cards for the people that we were going to see so the whole class could participate in some form. Some of the things I heard from the kids made me cringe a little. They would be shouting out the word hobo left and right and wanting to write "dear hobo, i hope you don't die" in the cards. I was really hoping that they didn't say the same things on Saturday. But at the same time, I did think that what they were saying was completely unfiltered. They weren't making things "politically correct" and then thinking something else in their head. They were just saying whats on their minds.

Ok going back to the actual day...Francis, Sherrie, Jacky, and Sherrie's two cousins Tina and Alan were the final bunch that decided to come. They all jump in the car and are super excited to head to the city. They come prepared with their cameras and candy and LOTS of energy. The atmosphere in the car was very positive and it was just good seeing this side of them outside of the classroom. We decided to do a random act of kindness and pay for the car behind us on a toll. We told the kids to pick out two cards (they were so excited to have the cards and wanted to find their own) and then gave one card to the attendant and then asked her to give the other one to the car behind us. They automatically looked behind the lane to see who would get the card but we were unable to see a reaction. We did see how happy and appreciative the lady at the tollbooth was though. We felt the positive energy being thrown out there, the kids felt it, and I knew that this was going to be a GREAT day.

We get to Ami's apartment and for a bit, I didn't know what to do with myself. Slowly people start trickling in and the significance of all the people gathered doesn't really register at the moment. The kids initially don't know whats going on either and you see them clumping together for their own comfort. But then the posterboards and markers come out and they started making Free Hug Signs, Free High 5's, Spread the Love, Happy Valentine's Day. The girls get absorbed in that, Alan goes to go make food with other people. I ended up helping to figure out where the various groups should go and wrote out instructions with Priya? (I think thats her name). Everything got made really quickly because there were so many people there! Organization was spectacular. We all gathered in a moment of silence before we headed out and the pure energy in that room was incredible!!!!!! A few people shared what made them come out, I saw kids there, families there, people our age...I was filled with so much gratitude that I got this opportunity to be in that moment. I also kept thinking back to the atmosphere of love and understanding that we had during Inspire and we had created it here in America.

Ok I cannot go through all the details so I'm sticking to the questions. What was my motivation? I think the initial motivation for any service oriented activity for me is the opportunity to spread joy to people around me. I feel happiest when I am able to connect to another person and take care of someone. Its easier to care for the people in your life but to put yourself out there and do the same for a stranger, makes me push my personal comfort level. I want to eventually get to a point that I feel every person that I interact in my life, I treat him or her as I would my family and friends. With this activity specifically, the opportunity to serve and spread love to homeless people, is something that I've always wanted to be more at ease doing. I see homelessness on a daily basis and the thought that each person has his or her own personal story that lead to this point in their life is always with me. Yet it is so easy to pass them by. This day allowed me to break that barrier a bit and step into their life even if it is for a short time. Other motivations...do something meaningful on a day that is usually about consuming and focusing on couples. To share the blessings in my life, to connect, to understand, and to push my boundaries were all motivations as well.

What happened during the day? Some I mentioned above. General outline after we all dispersed to different parts of the city...Raj and I took the kids, his dad, Aniketa, and Matt to Union Square area. We further split the group when we got there and then went about handing out the sandwiches and making as many connections as we could. We met again at Peace Cafe and went over the day with the group. Memorable moments? The first guy we met (Eric? I'm annoyed that I forgot his name) stayed with me. He gave off a very welcoming and friendly vibe and we were all able to feed off that a lot. He had the cutest dog and I felt like I was just able to let go of a lot of my own self-imposed worries. I wasn't thinking is he thinking we are pitying him, am I speaking in a condescending tone or anything along those lines. We were just sharing stories about our lives. The kids in general were a huge memorable moment. Going from watching them make their vday cards to seeing them in action on the streets to their additions to the convos at the Peace Cafe and hearing about sharing it in the classroom again was just incredible. Some definitely had more energy and courage then others to approach people but they were there giving their fullest. Their excitement and honesty just filled me with hope for our society's future in general. Watching Raj lead the initial moment of silence and initiating the sharing of experiences at the Peace Cafe was also something that distinctly sticks out in my head. I feel like those moments are when you are at your element and I was filled with SO MUCH pride, gratitude, and joy that I got to share this moment with you and experience you doing what you do best. Finally, the energy of the group as a whole has stayed with me. We all came in with our own fears and motivations to be out there on that day but we came back together having experienced something together and simply connecting. We learned something we hadn't known before, barriers were broken, and love was spread. It was a beautiful thing.

Finally...observations/feelings/hardships. One main observation was the contrast between what we were trying to do and our surroundings. We are in the middle of Union Square which is basically where all the big department stores are, nice restaurants, theater etc. The streets are packed and everywhere you look you see couples holding hands, valentine's day accessories being sold (flowers, bears, etc) and consumerism at its best. But as I went through the day actually seeking out the homeless, you become so much more aware of another world. We met people and heard stories of people that were sooo appreciative of a simple card or a vegetarian sandwich and on the same street a limo is pulling up and out comes a bride in a lavish dress. I'm not describing it well but there seems to be such a disparity and until you open your eyes, you could easily pass this by and not give it a moments thought. Its so easy to just be consumed in yourself and your life at all times. And then when I think of what I FEEL when I OBSERVE this...so much comes to mind. When talking to people and reaching out to them, I felt I made some better connections than others. Sometimes it just ended up being about handing out a lunch bag and that made me frustrated with myself that I couldn't overcome my own discomforts to reach out to another person. I noticed that it was a lot easier to open up if some appreciation was noted and I thought to myself why is it that I need to be appreciated to proceed further? Why can't it just be a selfless act without the need to look for approval? Then there is never enough to provide for everyone out there. I always wonder the utility of these days because its always a feeling that I'm not doing enough to address the root cause of the problem. This one meal and conversation isn't going to get them off the streets. And why do some people have so much while some have so little. Its one of those things that just doesn't settle with me well and the fact that I'm living in the excess is always with me. I appreciate that I become aware and made connections with people that I normally wouldn't and that always teaches me and stays with me but I still go back to my comfortable life. I can rationalize it to make myself feel better that I'm trying and its not going to change overnight but its still unacceptable to me that this disparity exists. I think I play a direct or indirect role in promoting this disparity to continue and I'm always thinking what I'm going to do with my life to reduce it. What are we going to do together to not make this a one day thing? This doesn't discount the energy, love, and joy I felt throughout the day but my one day isn't enough.

If the entry seems scattered, I think it portrays what I felt that day because it was all over the place and mixed range of emotions.Really highs, really lows, some in betweens and just stimulus coming in from all over the place. As I'm reading it ended on a negative note but I think that is my all over the place thinking. There's a lot more that I could add but at this point, I'm choosing to stop. :) Overall, great way to spend the day and I would love to go through my range of thoughts and emotions with you every year. And have the kids be there :)

Raj:
What motivates me to participate?
I’ll have to admit… that my primary motivation is to give others the opportunity to be inspired, to view the world through a different lens. I love getting people together for something “more”… not just entertainment, not just shooting the shit… but for something meaningful. (Maybe.. I may not realize it… but I may also enjoy the attention/respect that I get for organizing something like this) And… it’s just so much fun for me.
I also know that I need this opportunity to connect, as well. So, another motivating factor is that because I live such a “purpose-driven” life… I rarely take a step back just to connect to people, to spontaneously “spread the love”… so for me, these days give me that opportunity to try to share whatever warmth that is within me, with others.

What memorable moments stayed with you?
- Picking up the kids from in front of the school…. potentially transformative experiences like these are usually reserved just for the privileged lot, so it was really incredible for me to have a few of my students be there with me for the first time during an activity like this.
- Giving the toll lady two V-Day cards (one for her and one for the car behind us) and $8 (for our toll and the car behind us) AND seeing and feeling the kids reactions… knowing that the wheels were spinning in their head… trying to make sense of what we just did. - Seeing you and Priya take complete control of organizing and figuring out where groups will go and making sure they have directions, contact info, etc. =)
- The moment of silence in Ami’s front room (that’s a very versatile room…..)
- Seeing the reactions of the people on streets to the cards that the kids made and true appreciation in their words and actions.
- Seeing how free Jacky was going up to strangers and giving them cards.
- Hugging you in the middle of Union Square.
- Just being with the kids… through their falling teeth, getting comfortable out in the streets, hyper moments, reserved moments at the restaurant, and the hilarious car-ride home (Francis’s soliloquoy!)

Personal difficulties?
Being conscious of what others close to me are thinking.. feeling...
Otherwise… I didn’t know I would have to expend that much energy ‘taking care’ of the kids… so I wasn’t really able to connect with the others that were doing the activity with us nor was my focus on the ACTUAL activity itself… connecting with 'strangers. In the end, for me, it was fine that my main focus was elsewhere.
On a day like this… I don’t ONLY want to connect to homeless people… I want to connect to everyone and anyone… so, sometimes, ‘seeking out’ homeless people.. makes me uncomfortable.

Overal feeling?
An incredible way to spend Valentine’s Day. A tradition that I believe we should keep… for future years.
I didn’t physically give you anything for V-Day.. didn’t take you out to dinner (unless you want to count Del Taco)… but I just hope that the day was as special for you as it was for me.





2) This second activity is going to be another attempt to connect to the people around us but on an individual level. I know we've both seen people that are homeless in our respective cities. I have always wanted to sit down and be able to ask him or her about his or her life in an attempt to better understand what happened that led them to this point. The task is to ask a homeless person to share a meal with you. After, reflect on how you went about choosing who you wanted to ask, where you decided to share the meal, and the conversation that came up. What hardships did you face throughout? What internal battles were you able to overcome and what did you learn? Were you able to connect with this person and see a bigger connection with humanity? Also, what were the differences you noticed in connecting with people in a group vs. on your own. Once again..the questions will continue so reflect away :)


Astha:
I cut in front of you so I could see the questions without seeing your post. Sorry! And I cheated and read your response for the first question before I finished the second part of the activity. Oops. :)

Ok this one is going to be more cohesive. I hope.

How did I choose: Started thinking about it a few days after we talked about the activity and set up a deadline. I met up Krutika in Evanston, and I saw a guy with a cup outside a restaurant and I made a mental note that I could come here. It was a smaller city setting and seemed more approchable. But then practically speaking, I was in the city and figured I would go after work to look for someone and break the fear of asking a total stranger to dinner and share a meal. Ended up waking up late on Friday, couldn't get to the city but needed to meet up a friend in Evanston again and remembered the person I saw, and was just hoping that another person would be there that I could ask. I was running late and I was annoyed with myself that I didn't get to devote the time I would have liked. I parked my car, and saw Larry standing in front of the Baskin Robbins. Thoughts running through head at the moment...what am I doing, I hope he doesn't think I'm pitying him, is it safe, how am I going to talk to him, and I hope I get to hear about his life. I simply asked him if he would like to share a meal with me. He hesitated for a bit...I felt like he was thinking is he hungry or not and then chose to accept my offer. I asked him what he's in the mood for and he said he could go for a biscuit and he led me to the nearest Burger King.

Conversation...Interesting to say the least. After we got our food..I began by saying something along the lines that my motivation to ask him to a meal was an attempt to better understand people and connect with him and find out how he got to where he is today. The conversation that followed was very interesting. Larry is probably a near 40-50 year old, African-American guy with really bad teeth (perhaps insensitive but it stuck out). He said he was born in Spain to a Spanish father and a Russian mother. He moved here when something about his siblings coming here. (I couldn't always follow everything he was saying). He said he's moved all over and lived in multiple states. Was living with a friend but he passed away and then remaining family kicked him out. He actually currently is not homeless and has an apartment on the west side of Chicago that he got with the help of an organization called Chicago Connection (I think thats the name of it) and he gets help from a guy there (I forgot his name). Rent is $700 or something near there and he pays with his SSI that he got from a car accident a while ago. Was homeless for a while and says that living on the streets is bad. He mentioned going through homeless shelters and seemed to be fixated on the homosexuals that stayed in the homeless shelter and how he didn't like that. He also mentioned that he's seen violence in the shelters and guns have come out. He doesn't trust people on the street and doesn't think anyone should go through that experience. When I asked him about education he mentioned Stanford and Northwestern and I was a little confused. He comes to Evanston area via the train everday and does what I saw him first doing. He says he doesn't like "panhandling" but he'll take what people will offer him and he's thankful for that. And then the rest of the conversation was surprisingly about current events. (Surprising for me because of my own assumptions on what I think "homeless" or people on the streets know). He didn't think Obama would accomplish anything and too many expectations were on him. Liked Bush? Thinks he was doing a good job to get rid of the terrorists? And Clinton wasn't? Question marks because that thoroughly surprised me. I think he mentioned something about Obama picking the same Clinton administration and I totally thought of you making similar comments. And Iran was brought up as well and how Iran is not going to not talk to Obama.

Hardships/Internal battles...Some mentioned above with the initial questions in my head before approaching him. I mean an ongoing one is always who am I to think that I can "help" someone and provide them a meal. I put myself in Larry's position and I wonder if I would feel shame or too prideful to be on the street asking for "help." I feel like I would and because I think that, I would hate to disrespect someone in my effort to learn about people. Struggles with thoughts of my personal security because I'm a girl. I definitely didn't share that I'm doing this with family or friends because of the fear that they are going to tell me that its not safe and what am I thinking. And then frustration that those thoughts are going through my head because we shouldn't need to be worried about our safety because I believe if you give out positive energy, thats what you get back and in that no harm will come your way. The thoughts that if I go into a restaurant with a person that looks a little bit more disheveled, will I get unnecessary attention? What is this person that I'm sharing a meal thinking of me? Does he think I'm completely crazy? During the meal and as I was getting to know Larry...a feeling of deja vu from India came to me. The whole time I was talking to him, I was aware that something mentally wasn't normal. I mean this is coming from the medical perspective but the way he was talking, it seemed that he went from one idea to the next very rapidly and I didn't know what to believe of his conversation. That was a struggle because I didn't want to assume anything but still something didn't feel right and I took everything he said with a grain of salt. With the whole deja vu, I definitely felt a difference in the way I think and was asking him questions and his response to them. Often, I felt like he was confused with what I was asking and didn't really know what to say. It reminded me of when we were at the school discussing the Narmda Dam issue with the villagers, and they were confused by the sometimes abstract concepts that we were asking them. This situation felt very similar and I'm not sure if I was aware of it enough at that moment to step back and try to change the way I talked to him to make it more at the same level. The hardships I overcame..I think the biggest is I did it. I asked a stranger to have a meal with me. I was a little afraid and I still don't know exactly what he thought of my gesture but after that initial conversation, I wasn't concerned about my personal safety. He was a gentleman and I shared a meal with another person. The power dynamics were definitely not fully alleviated but I tried. I got that personal one on one time that is more of my comfort zone and I got a view into his life. I learned that not everyone asking for change is homeless which was surprising for me. His ability to talk about current events was eye opening. He never wanted to impose or take advantage of my offer. He ordered a simple egg sausage biscuit and some chocolate milk. The total meal cost me $5. At the end as we're saying our goodbyes, I got a warm feeling from him and we parted our ways. I was able to feel a connection to him in the end. We talked, I heard about his life and got another perspective on what people go through which always makes me more aware of my daily existence.

Comparison: Definitely different to be in a group and go on your own. I felt a lot more pressure and thought a lot more about my intentions on why I'm approaching this person. I thought more about how I would physically go through with it, the timing, location etc. In the group activity, I just showed up and was surrouneded by this energy that was easy to jump on the bandwagon. On my own, I had to create that and let go of a lot of my own fears. The connection with people was on a different level too. Its easier to get a smile after handing out a lunch and leave it at that positive feeling. But one on one, its more than just handing out something. Larry was still sitting in front of me and to keep a conversation going is an interesting challenge to face. I felt more of a personal understanding in the individual meal. I got a better picture of Larry's life then any of the people we met in SF. Overall though I think the combination of the two activities, made for a better understanding. For future times, I will feel more comfortable in both situations adn each will have helped the other if that makes sense. And with both experiences, I am more aware. I am constantly thinking about my reflection, being more aware of people around me on a daily basis and while I have no solutions to address the root cause of these inequalities, I do believe that if we let go of our own fears and inhibitions we can reach out to people and simply connect, understand, and begin to love everyone around us regardless of where they come from.

Raj:


It was Thursday evening, and I had ‘planned’ that this was going to be the evening that I’ll roam around the streets around my school to find someone to share a meal with. Actually, two nights before, I stayed in SF at my sister’s place… soo, I almost spontaneously got myself to do it then… but ended up not.

Anyways.. soo, I drove to the BART station and parked my car there… and with eyes open, began walking down International Blvd.. the main street in that area. It was around 5:30 pm. There were lots of people, lots of cars… but no one that looked like they would want to share a meal, and no one that looked like they lived on the streets. There was one homeless woman who I tried to talk to… but she seemed to be mentally tramautized in some way… she didn’t respond at all, and just gave me a blank stare… with a smile plastered on to her face. After walking about 7 blocks and returning, I walked around the BART station, and behind the BART station, I saw this large African-American man pushing a cart.

This whole time… it was definitely more awkward being alone.. I’ve done things like this sort in groups, but not alone. The same “feeling” and inspiration I feel in a group… was much harder to muster up alone. Inspiration and warmth don’t just radiate from me… I feed off of the inspiration and warmth of others… Also, being a male and it being night… and me being slightly terrorist-looking… I never know what others think of me…. So that also keeps me hesitant.

Anyways.. so I see this fairly large black man… and a couple thoughts flash through my head, “Is he drunk? How’s he going to respond?” I asked him “how it’s going? What’s your name?” and a little bit of small talk then asked him if he would like a meal… and he said, “Naw, I’m okay right now. Are you from a church or something?” After I said I wasn’t… he said, “Oh because sometimes they come around in these vans, giving out meals… they give Cup-o-Noodles or something like that.”

I was definitely getting good vibes from this Kevin (his name)… and I just felt completely at ease… there was no alcohol on his breath and he definitely seemed like an intelligent person…. I’m not sure how I would have reacted differently if it was otherwise.

So, I began asking him questions… bout where he stays, where he’s from, etc. I’m not completely comfortable doing that… just shooting questions at someone.. I feel, “Why should this person share his/her life, and I just stay closed off?” Anyways.. I was eased a bit when he started asking me questions as well – “Where are you from? Do you live in Oakland? Etc.” And I started sharing with him bout myself as well.. how I taught down the street, etc.

I learned A LOT about him… he grew up in Oakland, went to Fremont High, but dropped out because school wasn’t for him, and started doing various odd jobs. He has 5 other brothers and sisters… one brother is still in the area the he keeps in touch with. That brother has a wife and kid, and they’re struggling… so he can’t stay with him. His mom lives in a senior home (he still goes to visit her a couple times per week)… so when she moved to the senior home, that’s when Kevin no longer had a place to live and was left to fend for himself on the streets. It’s been years.. I can’t really tell how many… that he’s lived on the streets. He’s tried shelters, but he doesn’t like them because he said there are lots of fights there, convicts, alcohol, and all that… and he tries to stay away from that stuff. He said, he tried living on the streets in SF… but felt it was more dangerous there…. While in Oakland, people just left him alone. At times, he’s had places to stay… through some agency, he’s worked as like house-help for severely disabled old people… and during these gigs, he gets a room to stay in and some money. But, he said he hadn’t worked like that in a couple of years. We also talked about other things… we talked about Obama, about education, about police and crime, etc.

What amazed me… was that there was no hesitation on his end to share. It was like he just waiting to share all of this. I feel… like especially in this country… people usually start with distrust of the other… and the other has to ‘earn’ their trust. But this man… there may have been a little feeling out period in the beginning… but very soon was able to trust.

After a while, I asked him again, “I’m going to get some food, would you like to join me?” This time, he replied, “Well, where are you going?” and I told him some Taqueria, get some Mexican food… Kevin: “Okay, I know a place with good burritos.”

So, then we walked… he pushed his cart along, and I walked alongside with him… both of completely engrossed in our conversation…. me trying to understand him, and him just sharing and every-now-and-then asking me questions back. I love the fact that other people on the street would be looking at us with a puzzled look….. messing with people’s assumptions and notions of what’s normal… as you know, I love that. =) But for him and I… in that moment… there was nothing awkward.

We ordered our food (steak burrito and vegetarian burrito… he’s like, “oh, you’re vegetarian?” and we talked bout that and when and why I decided, etc.) and took it “to go” because he said that he smelled and wouldn’t want to sit inside…. Sooo, we got our food and walked back to behind the BART station, where we were sitting before. For another 30-45 minutes or so… we ate… and talked….

He had told me that on Friday, he wanted to see his social worker to figure out how to get his money…. And he needed money for public transportation … I told him I’d give him a couple dollars. I didn’t give it to him right then… and he enver mentioned it again….. but, at the end, I gave him a couple of dollars… and I gave him my phone number. I really felt close to this guy and I think he felt the same way.. we probably spent over an hour together… and I will definitely look for him in that area again.

What hardships and internal battles did I face?

Well… one, ideally, I would love if these types of things come up NATURALLY. I don’t like the feeling of going out and “looking for” someone homeless to eat a meal with. However, because of the life-style I have chosen (everything is purpose-driven), I need to have that set purpose in mind to actually do it. Another internal battle was the asking of questions. I definitely wanted to learn his story, but I didn’t want to ‘interview’ him… and I think because he was so open, and turned it into more of a conversation, I was able to get over that.

For the time that we were together… I felt like we were on the same plane. Yeah, I paid for his meal… but TO ME, it felt the same as it does when I pay for a friend’s meal. I’m sure for him it felt differently. But regardless… I didn’t really have anything with me… and it was just him and I sitting behind the BART station on a bench-type thing.

After we finished our meal… I told him that I’m going to be heading out soon. And… I realized… how comfortable I was with him, and how comfortable he was with me. I asked him if he usually stays here… hoping that if he does, I could visit him in the future… but he said, he does sometimes, but he’s usually moving around. I said, “Hey, do you want my number in case you can get to a phone and you need anything?” And he said, yes. But neither of us had a pen or paper at that point. So, I said, “Let me get a pen and paper from car, I’ll be right back.” When I said that… to me, the different levels of privilege came rushing back… I have a car… I am going to soon leave this place in my car…. And he’s not.

I came back and gave him my phone number and $2. I asked him if he wanted to be taken anywhere right now, that I could drop him off… but he said no. During the entire conversation, he never looked at me while he talked… he would always be looking away. At the end, when we said our good-byes… he looked me in the eye…. And I could see the appreciation and warmth coming from him. As cheesy as it may sound, I truly felt connected to Kevin. I wish that one day… I get a random phone call from this man. I wish that one day when I’m walking around the BART station.. I see him again.