A Step Away?

We rented out our home for a year... for a sabbatical year? a gap year? a year "off"? a step away? I don't really know how to define it in just a couple words.

Why?
I'm going to answer this question for me, and then Astha might be able to answer when she has time. About 16 years ago, I set out for India... to understand my roots, to discover my passion and purpose, and to just let my inner voice be my guide. Here's my blog from that journey... if  you want to read about what 24-year old Raj was thinking. It was an incredible journey for me, and really shifted my perspectives on so many things and helped shape my worldview, and really influenced how my mind works. It also got the ball rolling on really the last 15 years of my life.

So, why take a "break" again... right now... when my life is "rolling" - I have a family. I was working at the same school for 10 of the past 12 years. We're immersed in the community. We have a garden growing food. Amaani is in a forest school. I'm involved in education, service, justice work... meditating. So, why am I looking for another "journey"?

I want to make sure I'm continuing to focus on my own self-development, because if I'm focused on that and my mind becomes clearer, sharper and directed, my heart becomes more sensitive and empathetic, my body becomes a healthy tool... then I can live in the feeling of "flow"... I can work alongside others more effectively... I can work towards freedom, justice, and love more wholeheartedly... I can create and envision more clearly. 

This was the year we were supposed to "step away"... to camp, to be in India, and spend time recognizing and fulfilling our relationship with Mother Earth and living in community. This was the year to de-clutter, de-condition, de-colonize, and de-school our minds... to allow our true inner beings to shine. My next step in Oakland, eventually, involves my desire to open a Self-Directed Learning Center (https://www.self-directed.org/) in Oakland (more on that later)... but part of the process for that is to really become aware of my schoolish ways of being... of working towards freedom (Swatantrata) myself. 

Our plans are changing by the moment now... with Covid, with the California fires, and with just everything that is in front of us. And that's part of the learning... we actually have the option to go with "the flow"... and see where we end up. I feel like going with the flow isn't passive... but rather requires even MORE initiative and action, in actuality it's more RAPID decision-making. Usually, we make decisions - i.e. I'm going to take this position at this company - and then we have a schedule, a routine, etc... and many times, we're on auto-pilot...  But right now, we're making decisions each week, each day... sometimes each hour... on what our next step is. And, to me, that's part of the process of this year... similarly to how it was part of my process 15 years ago. However, the difference now... is the communication piece. We need to TALK THROUGH our decisions... as a family... all 3 of us... which is hard for me. That constant communication piece is a challenge for me, and definitely an area I'm looking to grow in this year. I'll list out some more personal intentions in a later post.

As for now... signing out. 

Partner in growth,

RAJ

It's my turn to write out the why a "step away?"

Why? 

Raj and I have been talking about this time away since we got together. We were first going to take it after residency. Take some time before starting work but my mom had been diagnosed with Ovarian cancer and we thought we would be "practical" and pay off my medical school loans. Then after 3 1/2 years at La Clinica, I was going to step back and reflect on my role in medicine and think outside the box. But then, I got excited about an opportunity to the the HIV/primary care provider at Tri-City and that didn't happen. Even now, we were going back and forth in should we do it or not. The pandemic happened and we wondered is it the time to take off? We had kind of a perfect set up in Oakland. We were rooted in community, Amaani's forest school was still in place, and Raj could segway into self-directed learning. 

On my end, I have never had extended unstructured time. I have always been a "goal-directed" person. I went from college, to medical school to residency to working. Once I started working, I was part-time for the most part and got to balance my passions in medicine with living life as well. I've heard Raj's journey and heard about others and it always seemed appealing. I probably have romanticized it in ways as well but there has been a curiosity into what it would be like and a desire to take time for myself/ourselves away from the "system." With that though, in the back of my mind I worried. It's taken me a long time to get here but I finally feel at ease in my role as a physician, role as a mother/wife and a human being. There are always ups and downs and my struggle with myself, my anxiety and "being enough" will be a life long struggle. With the help of meds and other life coping skills, I'm more at ease with myself and that is HUGE for me. Losing my mom is probably one of the hardest things I've had to do and her loss stays with me everyday. Yet there was forward momentum. We had built community and can say the tag line to this blog has held true. We're trying our best to raise a conscious human being and I'm filled with gratitude everyday. 

The big question for me for this time is: Is there a way to live harmoniously without feeling contradictions all the time? While I love what I/we do, there's always unease. Not enough time, guilt at ordering from Amazon, all the consumption, the garbage, etc. A desire to live harmoniously with myself, with mother Earth, with each other and in community. I'm the type of person that thrives off of other people's stories and learns so much from them. I want this time to slow down, to observe, to listen and explore. Raj has mentioned that we've always worked within broken systems but is there a way to uproot the system totally? Those are the bigger picture questions for me. I am so thankful to Raj and to this day I love the way he makes me think and question. I love learning and doing different things and will never have the clear visions he does but am grateful that I have him to bounce off ideas with. I agree with him in a desire to un-school myself and have Amaani not chain herself to schoolish ways. 

All the plans we had are being shifted as the world around us shifts. It's definitely a daily lesson in not freaking out, re-making plans, being in the present. Another background goal is to break the chains of equating doing = value/worth. We are learning together and watching Amaani in all of this makes me smile everyday. Communication among us 3 is key for me and grateful that we're doing this. I think that's all I got for now. 

Love, 

Astha

Oakland Life

I randomly ended up remembering our blog today and was reading our old posts..what a journey it has been since the last post! I think I ended with Chicago vegan restaurants (which we are still obsessed with every time we go back). I also realized I never posted my end of residency reflection and now that is 4 years later...oops. We posted about our goals in California, work, gardening, hiking and so much more.

Raj and I always mention coming back to this and documenting our journey but never actually do it. Today, I'm feeling inspired so let's see where this takes me. I don't even know where to begin or how to format this.



Raj and I
We are going on almost 7 years of marriage and 8 years of being together. I don't really remember life without Raj. And if I do it feels like a remote memory. He is just there present in my life, never wavering. I think the biggest update is that we have created a human being together and it is no longer him and I only. Amaani is her name and she is almost two! More about her later. Raj is still teaching at Ascend Elementary in Fruitvale. I can proudly say that we are still attempting to live more meaningful lives as individuals and as a couple. Now, Amaani is part of that journey as well and she serves as a constant reminder of that. We have gone through our ups and downs but have always been able openly and honestly communicate through it all. Like many before us have said, marriage with a child changes things, but we are navigating through it. We just recently bought a house in May. It is a few blocks from where we lived before. We never thought that would happen. The main drive was to have a space for Amaani to have a garden and be connected to the Earth and not just concrete. Many more things could be said but main thing is we are good and continue to live a meaningful life.

Amaani

This munchkin of ours was born on December 20, 2014. She is currently 21 months old and is my world. She never ceases to amaze me. She loves to talk and knows Hindi which makes me so happy. Children just absorb the world around us and I don't think I have gotten to fully appreciate that until now. She pays attention to everything we do. She explores things, tells us when she is afraid, is becoming a little more outgoing but still clingy to those she knows more and is always making us laugh. We/I have many goals for her in life but the biggest is for her to be a kind and caring human being. And that she should make the world a better place. Small goals really ;) Becoming a mother has been humbling to say the least. I've always appreciated parents but becoming one makes you really realize what our parents do for us. Thank you to them again! Amaani has her village and we wouldn't be able to do it alone for a second.

Work
When it comes to work, lots of things have changed recently in the past couple of months. I used to be at La Clinica de la Raza as a primary care physician. It is a federally qualified health center and technically my first "real job." I stayed there about 3.5 years and learned so much. Built some amazing relationships with my patients and my colleagues there were family. I reached a point that the anxiety of going into work became extremely high. I didn't know what each day would bring and constantly felt like I was only putting on band-aids to a much bigger problem. I ended up reaching the decision to leave. It was incredibly hard to do and I still wonder if it was the right decision but I needed the mental space to think outside the box. Currently, I'm doing two days a week as the HIV specialist at Tri-City Health in Fremont and one day a week at the UCSF Clinician Consultation Center. I looked back at the old blogs and I'm getting to stick to the goals of post residency and currently have really delved into the HIV world more. I feel like I'm constantly learning and getting to serve a community that is still so often discriminated against. 

There is a desire to break free from the system and create something. Ideas that float in my/our head is a space for people to gather, live well together. be in community, grow food, work with our hands, and meditate. One of the main reasons to break away from La Clinica was to have time to do that but the job opportunity at Tri-City came up all of a sudden and I see myself getting caught in the same trap of needing to address the immediate needs in a very limited clinic setting. I don't want to diagnose or put labels on people in what is and isn't wrong with them. I'm a big believer that we are our own biggest healers but we seem to forget that. Part of me knows I'm serving a role and am attempting to be the best doctor I can be, but part of me thinks I'm perpetuating a broken system. I think for now, I'm getting to explore the HIV world deeper which has always been a passion of mine. I also am pushing myself to make connections in our community outside of the clinic setting. Things always organically come up and hopefully one day things will align to create something to live and be well rather than "prescribe" health. 

Raj is still at Ascend Elementary, the school he originally started at. I won't say too much on his behalf but it has been amazing to watch him build community and relationships with the kids and families there. We've gotten to see these kids grow. His first class is now heading off to college! There are countless stories to share and feeling grateful at the opportunity to be a part of it. 

New Home
Still can't believe we bought a home and the thought of being in debt and bound to a mortgage makes me go crazy at times. As I mentioned above, the main drive was to have our own garden space. Our old home didn't have anything for that and we were watching Amaani become more and more conscious of the world. We wanted her to be connected to the Earth and directly see her connection to where our food comes from. Other motivators were having a space to build community, have more space for our family, it would be an eventual investment. We went back and forth a lot. We put down two or three offers, got two of them and rejected them before we actually went through with it. And even with this, we were so uncertain about the decision. I think I'm slowly coming around to it being worth it but the upfront costs, the unexpected things that we knew nothing about and the things that still keep coming up make me doubt the decision at times. That being said, we picked where we were at because it seemed to be a happy medium of the things we were looking for. We needed it to have a large plot size, I needed a good kitchen and it needed to be in the Fruitvale area. We've done a lot of renovations to it and it is now home. For the garden, we did the sheet mulching and used Planting Justice to plant fruit trees and do the initial clean up for us. We still need to build raised beds, plant fruit trees on the outside of the house but we are on our way! We've had strawberries that have already grown but the worms get to them before we can :( Nature is another natural wonder in its ability to persevere. We still need to make being present in the garden a priority and all the work that comes with it. I know though, whenever I've gone out there, it makes me focus on what is in front of me and is calming. 

Random

There has been lots of cooking happening. Knitting started again and now on hiatus again. Hiking unfortunately has slowed down but is always on our minds. 

I think that is enough for now. Lots of other random thoughts in my head but will stop. We know we need to have many people over and are slowly going through the list. Stop by at anytime. Hopefully, I/we will actually keep up with the blog to share/document our journey but always a million competing priorities. 

Ending Residency Reflection! Never posted this but here it is 4 years later

In about 3 days, I am going to officially be ending residency!!!! My journey has definitely been full of twists and turns. I thought I would take some time to reflect on the past 3 + years. I've had a running dialogue in my head on what I would want to say but as I finally sit down to write this...I realize it is going to be much harder than I expected. Raj said I should focus on major turning points but there are so many! Hmm...let's see what happens.

I really can't believe this day is finally here. For the longest time, I honestly believed I wouldn't make it through. Before I get into all of that, I think I will go back to the beginning. In between my 3rd and 4th year I went on Inspire and as many of you know it changed my world view dramatically. I wanted to look for a residency program that focused on primary care and prevention. I also met the love of my life in the process of applying and got to share the decision of where I would end up with him. After the long match process, I ended up matching at Montefiore Medical Center. Unfortunately it meant long distance for Raj and I, but we were ready to work through it.

I started residency at the end of June in 2009 - excited, eager, petrified. As much as I thought I had mentally prepared myself for what was to come...definitely wasn't enough. I will never forget my first day. I came home at 11pm at night and collapsed on the floor and simply cried. Thank God Raj was there for the transition and has been a persistent rock in my life. I was completely overwhelmed and felt that I was in way over my head. That feeling lasted for a very long time. I constantly felt like I didn't know enough, I wasn't able to FIX any of the chronic medical problems and I had no power to address any of the underlying social injustices that were in place in the Bronx. I , was very thankful to be part of a program that was filled with such inspiring faculty and a curriculum that really has defined my view of medicine. I was constantly pushed to get the story behind the health problems and I was taught to think critically of the social injustices that exist in our current system of health. I was given tips on what to do in difficult situations, was taught to watch my own reactions/biases in the patient room and countless other tidbits. I learned the history of the Bronx. I started learning about various community organizations near by.

At the same time, Raj and I were trying to balance the whole long distance relationship. He stayed with me for the first month and it was so exciting to envision what our lives would be like together. It was also the first time that I had truly lived by myself. I had lived in the Chicago land area my whole life - always very close to family and friends. Thinking back...I think it was the combination of everything that made the initial time in residency so challenging for me. New place, actually being a "doctor", long distance relationship, being away from family, constantly feeling uncertain of my purpose in life. It was the perfect storm.

Raj and I had ongoing conversations if it was all worth it. I had reached a point that I felt like I was constantly struggling and not getting anywhere and was it worth the unhappiness. We decided that I should take some time off to figure things out. I was so thankful to my program director for being so supportive. Mind you this was also a few months before our wedding. I went out to California for about a month and chose to explore various community organizations out there. I wanted to see if I would find more meaning in working at the community level. I worked with People's Grocery, took a domestic violence training course, talked to a bunch of people. In the end, I wanted to finish what I started and knew that the power of a degree would come in handy in whatever I wanted to do in the future.

I am really thankful for taking the time to really decide for myself if I wanted to finish residency or not. It was no easy task - facing parents, thinking about loans, societal standards, etc. But it was this thing that I felt like I had no choice in the matter and by taking time off and choosing it again, I felt more in control. The rest of the year was still challenging but I got married (yay!) and I was able to accept more that things would be hard for a bit but it would pass. I also focused on a few things that would make life more meaningful and I slowly trudged on.

When things were finally getting into a groove (Raj had moved....we were building some roots...we had a good circle of friends...I was starting my Social Medicine project) life decided to challenge us yet again. I found out my mom had ovarian cancer and did that throw our life for another turn. This happened in November of 2010 and we basically decided we needed to move back to Chicago. We didn't know what the future held but we didn't want to have regretted not being able to spend time with my mom. It was a whirlwind of events. Surgery, complications, chemo...but bit by bit things got better when we didn't know if they would or not. I had yet another break in my training but was able to restart at Rush University Medical Center (my medical school) in Feb of 2011. It has been almost 2 years now since it all started and my mom is doing great!!!

Rush was it's own story. I definitely MISSED the curriculum and people at Montefiore. I picked that program for a reason and was sad to not have finished my training there. But on a positive note I was able to advocate for myself and my learning. I pushed myself to find things that interested me and to continue to learn about the systemic injustices that take place in all cities across the country/world. Chicago is a very segregated city and I was constantly reminded about the inequalities that exist. I did rotations at the Cook County jail and it is appalling to know the discrimination that exists for people of color. I won't get into all that here. I think I finally reached a point that I was comfortable in my own skin as a clinician. I knew I wasn't the best but I knew I cared and was compassionate and would try my best. I discovered that I really liked learning about HIV and taking care of patient's with the disease. I was able to combine many of my interests in this one field. I took the LEAP money Rush gives us and took Spanish classes. I was able to change my continuity clinic to CHC and got to continue to work in a similar patient setting that I would have in hte Bronx.  I learned what I needed to from residency but focused on the things I was passionate about.

And now...I have finally reached the end. Raj and I decided to move to Cali and I have been able to successfully find two part-time jobs. One is working for a federally qualified health clinic called La Clinica de la Raza and the other is working for the National HIV Consultation hotline. La Clinica is right down the street from Raj's school and we are going to be sharing a community and getting to hopefully overlap and work together.

The recap itself is so long! Yikes!!! I have missed many details and many other significant events that have profoundly shaped my life. I needed to just take some time to reflect and now I really want to just thank a lot of people for getting me through this crazy time in my life. Raj....I cannot thank you enough. Honestly, it takes a man of true strength to have put up with me these last few years. I felt like a crazy person and I was a crazy person. You have never left my side and been my rock since day 1. You have pushed me forward constantly and thank you alone doesn't cut it but it is a start. Ekta Modi...you are probably next because those dark dark days of intern year....I don't know what I would have done without you. I could call you at any time of day and you were there with encouraging words. You got me to get out that door and take one day at a time. I love you and you are incredible. To my family - my parents, Raj's parents, Ami(r) and Arpit...for always being there and visiting and being positive. Even when you didn't agree with our decisions you were there. To all my friends that came out to visit and provide support and to all the relationships I got to rebuild after coming back to Chicago. To the New York new friendships - Nikki, Binny, Erin. To Montefiore and it's faculty for being inspiring human beings. To Dr. Hart for being an amazing mentor to me and helping me find jobs in Chicago and in the Bay area. To all the people that inspired me to be a better person and keep pushing forward.

At this point in my life...I'm probably the same bundle of emotions I was at the start of residency. I'm excited for the future, I'm scared, I'm nervous. I still feel like I don't know much and don't know how things will be. I do know that I have overcome many challenges over the past years and am a stronger human being for it. I've gotten lost and found myself along the way. Raj and I are going to finally get to restart our lives again. We get to be working in the same community and it is what we have wanted for a very long time. I will miss Chicago deeply. These past few months have been amazing. I have cherished every moment and gotten to spend so much time with my loved ones. I will miss my family and friends but know my ties run deep. I'm excited for the new careers and want to see where they take me. Raj and I want to do so much in Cali - experiment with growing our own food, healthy eating, buying land, cooking, exercise, meditation, immersion in our community, and probably so much more. Here's to a new beginning!!! 

Chicago Vegetarian-Friendly Restaurants

As our time in Chicago comes to an end... we thought we should come up with a list of vegetarian-friendly restaurants that we frequented while we were in Chicago!

Starting on the South Side...

Soul Vegetarian East - 205 E. 75th St.
Soul food is something I'd never really tasted until we went to this place that offers veggie soul food! We love the BBQ twists. Healthy food and they have lots of different healthy juices and shakes.

El Faro - 3936 W. 31st St.
Not a vegetarian restaurant but they have tons of veggie-friendly/fake-meat options. We LOVE the veggie cubano torta... an amazing sandwich with egg and all sorts of fake meat and yummy goodness.

Yummy Thai - 1418 W. Taylor St.
One of our favorite Thai restaurants... dishes we enjoy: Panang Curry with veggies and tofu, Sweet Basil Tofu, Rama Tofu, Pad Thai, and Spicy Crazy Noodle.

Butterfly Sushi Bar and Thai Cuisine - 1156 W. Grand Ave. (multiple locations)
Another one of our favorite Thai restaurants... we go for the Thai food, not the sushi. Their Panang and Red Curries are awesome!

Native Foods Cafe - 1484 N. Milwaukee Ave. (multiple locations)
A completely vegan restaurant where all the food is made on-site and fresh! A lot of fake meat options. Their items are really hit-or-miss depending on what your taste is. I enjoy their Twister Wrap, Nachos, Sweet Potato Fries, and some of their burgers.

Handlebar - 2311 W. North Ave.
Not completely vegetarian because they have seafood as well, but great vegetarian options! A lot of their food is great, but we love the Buffalo Chicken Wrap... have them add avocado.

Urban Vegan - 1605 W. Montrose Ave.
We only tried this place recently and were blown away! It's a Thai restaurant but it's completely vegetarian... it has a lot of fake meat options. If you used to eat meat and miss orange chicken... this place has a great fake-meat orange 'chicken'.

Chicago Diner - 3411 N. Halsted St.
I think we've enjoyed pretty much everything that we've tried here... and love their soy shakes. This is kind of "the" place to go to for vegetarians and vegans in Chicago.

Demera Ethiopian Restaurant - 4801 N. Broadway St.
Not a vegetarian restaurant, but if you're vegetarian and you haven't tried Ethiopian food, you should! You can start with vegetarian or spinach sambussas... then get the vegetarian messob which is large family-style plate. You can get different vegetarian options on the messob... we usually get "misir-wot," "shiro," "gomen," and "kay seerena carrot tibs." Yummmy!

I-Cream - 1537 N. Milwaukee Ave.
After your meal, you have to have dessert, right? Our favorite is this ice cream shop... the ice cream is MADE right their in front of you using liquid nitrogen... you can get regular ice cream, soy ice cream, flavored yogurt, shakes, etc... whatever you want. They have soooo many flavors and toppings you can choose from! AMAZING.


Hmm... which of these should I try to hit up when I'm in Chicago for a weekend in August.....?

U of I flashback and Kickapoo State Park

I have been wanting to take Raj back to U of I @ Urbana-Champaign for quite some time now. It is where I went to college and where I pushed myself to be more outgoing and actually made friends. They were some of the best years of my life and I have the best memories associated with it. So naturally I wanted to share that experience with Raj. We finally got to go this past weekend and it was AMAZING! We decided to camp at Kickapoo State Park instead of staying at a hotel. We were planning on eating out so all we needed to pack was the tent and the bedding. So glad we decided to do this because on top of getting to reminisce at U of I, we got to stay at another great state park. We got there Friday and went running and then ate at Dos Reales...this amazing Mexican place that we always used to eat at when we were down there. Still soo good. The nacho cheese sauce...yummy!  Then Saturday morning we woke up and did some kayaking and then proceeded to the campus. I basically showed Raj all our old favorite spots...the Quad, 506, 1004, ISR, Grainger danger and the Union. We picked out where we would eat and ended up deciding on Dos Reales, Mia Za's (name changed and history of the name change/ownership is confusing but food still just as good), and Bombay Grill. For dessert we made 2 trips to Insomnia cookies. :) We took a nap in the Union like old times, did Frisbee on the Quad and went bowling in the Union at night. We also did some reading in Grainger. It was a perfect trip down memory lane. Sunday - today, we did a little mini hike in the park and then headed home. I highly recommend that all of the U of I alums make a trip back every few years cause it brings back such great memories. The campus has changed a lot...there are huge new buildings/bars but that will always happen with time. The pics from the weekend are here. Thank you to Raj for putting up with my U of I excitement. :) I-L-L. I-N-I!

Bike Maintenance 101

Raj and I have become big fans of biking over the past couple of years. We must give a shout out to the 506 crew for giving us an AMAZING gift. Probably the most used gift ever. We love exploring new places with it, it is a great mode of transportation, and I think I'm really cool cause I bike. :)

That being said....I know not the slightest thing about bike maintenance. Zero. So when Vishal Kamani invited me to join him on a bike maintenance class offered by an awesome organization called west town bikes I jumped at the chance. I had actually gotten our bikes fixed from this place before but now I got to learn all about my bike.

I went yesterday and it was AWESOME. I learned what the different bike parts are called...front derailer, back derailer, tire, tubing, the list goes on. I learned about the different kind of bikes - road, mountain, hybrid.I learned how to take out my tire and check out the tubing and check for leaks. I'm in no mean a professional but I will no longer be the girl that goes into a bike shop that goes....uh something is broken. As long as I remember. I've always wanted to be a mechanic or a wood shop person and this was an awesome exposure to that. As always some pictures below. What do you guys know about your bike? Take this class if you can!

Chicago Bucket List

As most of you know, Raj and I are leaving Chicago for California. It is bittersweet. I will always miss family and friends here...it has been my home and always will be. But it is a chance to get closer to more family and friends and it is California. Lots to look forward to! But in that leaving, we've created a bucket list of things we want to do before we leave. Who is in? We'll let you know when we are doing what and I am going to post and update when we do something on this post. The things in bold have been completed.

The list:
1) Kayak in the Chicago River - awesome Saturday morning w/ Karishma Desai :) Pictures below
2) Need to make a trip to U of I -Awesome, awesome, awesome...think I'm going to write a separate post about that one
3) Beach Volleyball - happened June 16th! awesome group...good times but so hot!
4) Shawnee National Forest - may happen with U of I - not happening - too far

5) Garfield Conservatory  - went with Raj...so pretty!!

6) Bike ride the bike trail to the Chicago Botanical Gardens on the North Branch Trail - Happened on 6/21 with raj - the full 30 miles! One fine day also happened w/ Sonz but we were silly and didn't realize the Botanical Gardens was across the street from where we thought we got lost.

7) Late night bike ride - Farah, Taham, Arpit, Shraddha, Bhavna, Sheel, Almae, Farah's family...great group and so fun! Had some mishaps with the bike and a little crowded but still worth it once.

8) Family picnic - the classic w/ the Sehgal's and Puri's - usually Bhav and Shilpa tag along

9) Movie night at Grant Park - We watched Hugo at Harold Washington Park...so fun!

10) Bike to Naperville - this is an ongoing joke but we'll see if I can make it happen